My Crown Fell Off

Talked for a long time with J'Dizzle, sitting in my naughty chair (the driver's seat in my car) at the vacuums at the carwash. She always seems to know when to call. She understands me and lets me rant, and agrees with me, even if we are both wrong.

My daughter, J'Dizzle.
We talked about this new picture of her, and how Enrico snapped it of her when she was angry with him. We both laughed, and I told her that if someone took a picture of me right now, "angry" might be a good look for me too! 

Sometimes my daughter feels like a mother, caressing my anxiety and telling me I am ok. She is such a gift.

*sniffle*

I had to go back into town to the car wash, because,

I took the country dirt back road, up on top of the bench,

(Which is where I passed a lone runner. Why haven't I ever thought of running flailing up there?)

past the harvested potato fields and old potato cellars (I remember working in those very cellars.)

I had a talk with my Heavenly Father there, as I drove 20 mph, watching the setting sun. I told him everything, because I can't lie to Him. He knows. And although I was very very selfish and bad, I asked him for a blessing. Help me undo what I have done. Undeserving, and not quite sorry yet, me.

When I reached pavement my prayer was said, and my car was smothered in dust. I didn't want any questions about why I took the back roads. BB takes them often, and it drives KC crazy.

That's why when I was one ne mile from home, I headed back, on paved roads this time, into town, to the car wash.

But first, I had to pee from the huge diet Dr. Pepper I had just consumed, and I was hungry. So I drove into the McDonald's next to the car wash. Pit stop then refueled my tummy.

Next was the car wash. Dirt gone, and I was about to use the free vacuums, when J'Dizzle called. Perfect way to end my I-Would-Like-Some-Part-of-My-Home-to-Be-Mine-rage. She somehow knew to call, and all she wanted to do was talk about me.

At home, I said my painful sorry's. I was selfish, but not entirely wrong.

KC had cleaned the kitchen and dining room, and finished the laundry while I was gone. The house smells of bleach. I told him I felt bad that he did it all, knowing it was only because he knew I was angry. He denied that.

HAHAHA! Men. Bless his heart.  


I told him what was eating me and it sounded so ridiculous as the words spilled out. Foolishness. Childish.
"I hate it when I am this way!" He held me and let me cry in his chest. He gave me his hankee to wipe what used to be on my eyelashes off my face.

KC with the pumpkin he carved, at my birthday party last week. He bought me flowers,  planned the party with games, gifts, made dinner and a cake. Did all the dishes too. He does this every birthday for me. And Mother's Day. 

Sheesh. I can't win. I am a silly, silly girl.

If I were him, I would not put up with me for more than a minute, yet he does. I just can't figure him out. I am indeed, very blessed.

Getting Back to Kansas

***Forget about that stupid ticker.***

From the Wizard of OZ:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

Dorothy realizes that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. She relinquishes the miracle-working power of the Wizard - he has floated away - and relies upon her own power and personality to find her independent identity and way home.

Dorothy: Well, I-I think that it, that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda: That's all it is!
Scarecrow: But that's so easy! I should've thought of it for you -
Tin Man: I should have felt it in my heart -
Glinda: No, she had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too.
Dorothy: Now?
Glinda: Whenever you wish.

Dorothy exclaims: "Oh dear, that's too wonderful to be true."

I quit my job today, (although my last day is not until Thursday). KC asked, "Why? Is something the matter?" in a text message to my phone. I replied, " I just hate it. I HATE it." And I do. It's the worst job EVER for me. 

Epiphanies today while on the phones at work:

• All these years I could have said to KC, "I am going to always have a little cash in my purse." I could have gone to the bank and gotten $20 and put it in the secret zipper of my purse. I could have just told KC, or not, and just done it.
• I could have told KC that we need to support BigBear by paying for his football gas money. It would not have been comfortable to discuss, but KC would have supported me.
• I can not, I will not, waste my time in college (starting next year) following a career path toward anything that does not bring me joy. Seriously, I was thinking of a major chosen by my brain and not my heart. If for no other reason, this experience, working at a job I hate, has freed me from this kind of practical, uncreative thinking. 
• I HATE sitting in a tiny cubicle (with icky egg carton foam 'sound insulator' that gather's tortilla chip and cookie crumbs from the last 37 people who occupied it...ew) trying to get people,  (CEO's of huge corporations who don't think of me a human being), to let me interview them for 20 minutes about things I care nothing about. *click*
• If KC were to suddenly pass away, and I needed a job, of course I would be very grateful to have a job at all. I would even consider going back to this job. I recognize that there are many people who would gladly take this job. However, I would certainly be constantly, passionately, looking for something else, because this job is awful, for me.
• I need to help people, not irritate them. 
• Nothing about working here is worth the time it takes away from my family, my health, and my happiness. I had to find this out for myself, or I would have never believed it. 
• I have the power to change things. I have always had the power to change things.

Give me those magic ruby slippers. 

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev'rywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living ev'ry day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Suddenly things are so different. 

ManChild is asking Fannie Farmer to marry him today. 

JD called me this morning and told me she can't imagine her life without AB in it. 

JZ started a new job today waiting tables in one of the nicer restaurants in the area. It's where JD used to work. 

BB took the ACT for the first time today and KC and I have been answering his college entrance questions.

I like seeing everyone progress and change, I admit it. But I often reflect back and wonder if I did enough. I suppose if I had known that life as a SAHM with 8 children was not actually going to last forever, I might have tried a little harder during the rougher times. 

Hmmmm.

I wonder what's next? 

It's My Job

After 13 years of being a SAHM, I am now working part time as a telephone survey/research person. I work about 20 hours per week. It's not that we need the extra income, it's just:


Reason I Decided to Get a Job:

• I wanted to show BigBear I support him in football. I told him I would pay for his gas money to and from football practices, and to and from football games. 

The REAL Reasons I Decided to Get a Job:

• I didn't feel like I could ask KC to pay for BigBear's football gas money. 
• I could not handle KC complaining about how BigBear should not be playing football because he is so in debt to us and to the county, and on top of that he has no job. And now he is racking up football gas money on top of it all. KC has been keeping careful track of BigBear's mileage and has been adding a fuel bill to his already enormous debt. 
• BigBear made a mistake, a serious mistake almost two years ago when he was 15, going on a vandalism spree with some equally stupid friends. He was tried, sentenced, served 2 weeks in county detention, and owes thousands dollars for restitution, probation, and his rent for county detention, all of which I refuse to pay one cent for.  But BigBear is not evil. He is not bad. He's just a dumb kid that made a bad choice. He has so much good in him, he has so many gifts and talents. He deserves a break. I am paying for his gas money for football, free and clear. 
• I felt trapped, as if my life was passing me by, and as a SAHM I was running constantly on everyone elses' schedules. Deciding to get a job was as much for me as it was for BigBear. 
• KC did not want me to get a job. He even offered to pay for BigBear's football gas money if I wouldn't look for a job. Of course, independent snot that I am, his saying this made me even more determined to get a job, because, you know, I felt trapped. Controlled. 
• Jobs are extremely scarce around here. Getting a job was proof to myself that I have still got it. Whatever "it"is. Brains? Looks? Personality? Hm. 

Reasons I Like My Job:

• The hours are extremely flexible. 
• I am very good at communication. I think. 
• I don't have to work every other Friday if I don't want to. 
• I have evenings, Saturdays and Sundays off. Always. 
• It's nice to be around young people. 
• The gym where I work out is only a few blocks away from where I work. 
• I have a place in society. 
• I can quit after 90 days (if I don't like it), for a good reference. Just need to give 2 weeks notice. Hmm. 

Reasons I Hate My Job:

• I hate it when telemarketers or sales people call me, so why on earth did I ever think I would be good at telephone surveys? I must be an idiot. 
• I hate imposing anything on anyone. I would hang up on me. 
• It's not what I really wanted. I don't know what I really wanted. Why was Beauty School my highest educational goal? 
• I am committed for 90 days...er...make that 87 now. 
• I think KC knew I would hate it.And now I have to pretend I love it, because I have this pride/spite thing going on. I hate that I always have to learn things the hard way. 
• BigBear probably will never fully appreciate what I am doing for him. 

It's going to be a long 87 days.

Vitapel. Yes, please.

http://madisonwomensclinic.com/vitapel.php

I had my second implant of HRT recently, an injectable pellet form of testosterone, for both men and women.  It lasts three months. Costs around $200 for the complete procedure.

Holy Cow.

It's no snake oil. It really works.

I feel....hmmm....let me just say:

I feel balanced. I feel like I did when I was 25 19 18.

I don't hate people for breathing my air anymore. I find it easy to be cheerful and positive all the time.

Unbelievable.  

Cherry on Top

10:20 PM...I FINISHED! I spent two days and two nights (until 3:00 AM each night) cleaning the dog pee smell out of my carpets. Success! Yay! I was exhausted and extremely cranky, and hadn't been all that nice throughout the day to those who matter the most to me. Not something I am proud of. I made a mental note to be nicer. I plunked down in my office chair and opened my laptop to Facebook. My little doggie, Sammy, came in to greet me, and looking up at me with that sweet face, urinated. 

Seriously? Can anyone explain this? 

I lost my cool. Rare for me. Later, after a rant and a good cry, I picked up Sammy out of his kennel and took him out on the front steps and just held him while it poured rain. We talked about it. Told him I was so sorry for scaring him that way. And in his doggie eyed language he told me he was sorry, too, although I never could get him to tell me why he did it. I brought him in the kitchen and offered him food and a drink, but he was still too shaken, and hid from me. Usually he hides from others in my shadow. 

This morning all was forgotten, and he was following me around again, one step behind, like a good member of the pack. AGH! Why do I love that mutt so much? 

Confessions of a Dog Lover

DO NOT buy a black light unless you want to be horrified.

I love dogs. And I love my dogs the most. They are the sweetest mutts ever. Strays that were abandoned in our neighborhood as puppies.

 Sammy on the day he was found wandering our neighborhood. 

J'Dizzle giving Gretel kisses. 

Gretel  (10 years old) has always been potty trained. She's always asked to go out if she needed to. But Sammy (3 year sold) has been a problem dog. It took a good year to learn how to train him, but I did it. In the mean time he was having accidents in my house, usually while I was away and he was off his chain or out of his kennel, on the boy's watch. I always have cleaned any mess right up. But lately....our home has started to...ugh....

...smell.

KC and I go sniffing all over looking for the foul odor. But lately, it's just a presence. It's so awful, and I am so embarrassed. I don't want anyone to come over until I figure out how to fix it.

So I bought the black light, and 3 quarts of urine stuff, that's guaranteed to get rid of the odor or "your money back". Was I skeptical about the black light? Yes. I'll admit I was. I began downstairs in the two connecting family rooms, where the odor seemed to be more than anywhere else. I darkened the room and turned on the black-light.

Horror.

The sea of florescent green dry pee puddles before me was shocking. I had no idea. It was overwhelming. Sickening.

The lights came on and I read the directions on the bottle of urine solution. It said to saturate the spot thoroughly, and let dry. Ok. Easy enough. I turned off the lights again, turned on the black light, and used the entire quart bottle on six spots.

That's when I knew I was in deep doo-doo. There had to be a better way.

I found a recipe on the internet for a do it yourself solution, requiring white vinegar, baking soda, dish soap and hydrogen peroxide. The recipe is enough for one spot. Agh! I knew I had 3 gallons of white vinegar in my food storage, so I found it and began the first step: a solution of equal parts of vinegar and water, to deeply saturate each spot. At 11:00 PM, I ran out of vinegar. (That's 6 gallons of solution, folks!)

Off to Walmart to buy more vinegar then,12 miles away.  They were closed, but Albertson's was still open! I came out with 6 gallons of white vinegar, 12 pounds of baking soda, and a gallon of hydrogen peroxide. It's a wonder that I wasn't reported to the police for purchasing questionable ingredients. Just in case, I had the urine solution recipe in my hand in the store. I picked up a diet Dr. Pepper for the trip home.

At 3:30 AM I finished applying the hydrogen peroxide solution over the baking soda layer of each soiled spot on the downstairs carpet. Rubbed it all in good. Now I just have to let it dry, and vacuum up the baking soda. Then I'll steam clean the entire carpet again with a pet owners carpet cleaning solution. It will probably be the day after tomorrow before that thick downstairs carpet completely dries.

This morning I woke up and ran downstairs to take a whiff....smelled like vinegar and baking soda and wet dog down there. AAAGH! But it's still wet. There is still hope.

Last night when I finished I took the black light upstairs to see the damage on the carpet of our main living area. Not nearly as bad as downstairs, but still, not good. I was surprised at all the clever places a dog can pee. Now that it's dark I am off to repeat the process upstairs. Not looking forward to another all-nighter, but I am looking forward to no more wretched filthy dog pee smell.

Wish me luck.

While I Was Rinsing My Home Grown Lettuce

...and just after he took out the trash, cooked burgers on the grill, and cleaned up the mess he left in the living room:

Me: Now you can fill the dishwasher.

BigBear: WHY!?

Me: Because your attitude stinks. When you can learn to do a simple chore with a good attitude, maybe I won't give you more chores to do.

BigBear: What are you talking about!? What am I doing!?

Me: You are being argumentative.

BigBear: No I'm NOT! (...here he pauses, possibly to take in the stupid thing he just said...and then:) Your attitude is much worse than mine!

Nightmares are made of Fear

My worst nightmare came true. After BigBear's first sale, he called or texted several times each day with fears and doubts. It started as...

• Oh, it's so hot here. And the hours are so long.
• I don't have any money, and I don't know why they haven't paid me.

Week two he got his second sale, and it escalated to:

• Oh, crap, I just knocked on an off duty police officer's door. My manager forgot to give me my permit today so this guy is calling the police. Oh crap! The police are here...
• I really hate this Mom. 

And finally, 

• I want to come home. I can't do this anymore. 

That was 3 weeks ago. A week ago today I picked him up at the airport. With the cost of his flights and food, he didn't even break even. It was a harsh job, working 8 hours a day, going door to door, and getting them slammed in his face. I was surprised that he chose it. It's not something I would have dreamed of doing. Ever. But BigBear is different. He's not afraid of people. He's not afraid of adventure. He chose this job, so I didn't doubt he could do it. 

I was his confidant and friend while he was gone. So full of I love you's and I miss you's and thanks for adding money to my debit card momma. But now that he's home, and because I have set boundaries, I am at the top of his Hate List. I guess that's just where I have to be for a while, although it's hurtful. Being a "White" personality, (See http://www.colorcode.com/ ) and having a Red/Yellow son, is really REALLY difficult. I hate setting boundaries/rules/consequenses...mostly because I know I have to follow through if I want to be a successful parent. All my other children pretty much were able to follow the rules and do what was asked of them. But BigBear, not so much.

BigBear wants to do things his own way in his own time. So if I ask tell him to pick up his clothes, it won't get done unless there is a time limit and a consequence attached. 

Here are some of the boundaries I have set up since he came home: 

• No computer until you have a job.
• Clean up your own dishes. (No consequence attached.)
• Be five minutes early to church and don't leave early. Consequence: I take your iPod for a week. 
• No more staying up all night. (No consequence attached.)

So I guess I am in trouble for being weak and not having thought of consequences for the two. But I really felt proud of myself for attaching the ones I did do. Although it took me a couple of hours to rehearse in my mind how I would present them, and then a couple more hours to gussy up enough courage to lay down the law. 

Pathetic, right?

What do I get in return?  He is punishing me with distance, grunting for answers, and sassy attitude responses when I ask him anything. Yay me. 

I KNOW MOM! You have told me that I can't leave church early a MILLION times already. 

Well, BigBear, if I don't tell you what will happen if you leave early, you will claim that I never told you the consequences when it does happen. 

Well if you'd just lower your standards! You make things so difficult!

My standards are not all that high, Sweetheart. 

This is when it's hard not to lose who I am. This is when it's hard to pick my battles. This is when it's hard to walk away, and button my lips. All because he can. not. know. that I have a raging fire in my head when he speaks to me that way, and its all I can do to not to verbally attack him and take every toy and privilege away from him. He can not know because I will not allow him to know his attitude crushes my heart, and because I am strong and because I am the one in control. 

And I want to Holy Spirit in my life. I need divine instruction, and if I lose my temper, I lose the guidance of the Spirit. 

So I walk away, and act as if I have the entire universe in the palm of my hand.  

I have have been praying for BigBear in my every prayer, and today I fasted for him, too, asking that doors would open for him to find employment, and that his heart to soften toward me. I don't know how else to help him. But I know that Heavenly Father can, and will if it's His desire. Because God loves him so much more than I can imagine...so much more than I do. And I love him more than my own life. So the hardest part is letting go of the fear, doing my very best as a parent, and trusting in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

Ugh. Somebody remind me tomorrow that Jacob's clothes are still not picked up. 

Big Bear is doing just fine in Pittsburgh. Even had his first sale last Friday! I am simply amazed at him.

Yesterday JaZzy said " I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Big Bear." I never thought I'd hear him say that either. How funny!

Here's some pictures we took just before BigBear left last Tuesday afternoon:

 Guess that eyebrow looks sort of salesman-ique. That's his buddy, T, who got him interested. T said his mom cried, too, when she said goodbye.

 T's sister just got this new car and wanted to drive the boys to the airport, 3 hours away.

 I couldn't stop taking pictures.

I Already Know, You Don't Have to Say It.

I always dreamed of the day when my children wouldn't be so needy. When they were in diapers, I couldn't wait for them to potty train. I have always LOVED when my kids were in school, and nearly cried with panic thinking of them all being home at the same time All. Summer. Long. ...etc, etc...you get the picture. I didn't think I'd feel the way I do now.

My J'Dizzle doesn't call me every day anymore. KC says it's just because she is all grown up. *me whining*: "But she used to call me every daaaayyyy..." However, she is very happy and doing quite well for herself. She has a job in Manhattan at an upperscale organic restaurant, waitressing.  She's doing fine. She's safe. She's Happy. (These are the things I remind myself daily.)

JaZzy just became certified as a life guard, and has a job as soon as the community pool is finished being built. Then what? A church mission? The University? He has not quite decided, and I have not pushed. When he is ready, he'll do something productive.

Big Bear is leaving me and breaking my heart, too. Although I feel equally as much guilt because it is going to drastically change the dynamics here at home to one of extreme peace and quiet....*..seeing a little vision...*

-Ah...back now- Big Bear, at the tender age of 17 has been approved to sell security systems for Vivint, in PENNSYLVANIA. Which is clear on the other side of the continent, if you didn't know. He will be dropped off in a neighborhood and expected to go door to door, By. Him. Self. Gaaaaahhhhhhhh. He WANTED to do this. He hooked himself up with Vivent, with no help from me. He will be gone for 10 weeks, aka, All Summer, unless he hates it, in which case he can come home any time, but he will be so much further in debt to KC and me for the airplane fare if he decides its not for him and quits. And that is my Biggest Fear. He's doing this mainly because he has heard that he can make a lot of money in a short amount of time with Vivint, and he needs to get his restitution and county fees paid off in order to get off probation.
I REALLY think he is made for selling stuff, and I believe he will do very well if he pushes himself. But that right there is the source of my Biggest Fear, his lack of self motivation. I can only hope that his lack of motivation (keeping his room clean, picking up his dirty dishes, doing anything I want him to do, etc.) is based on being the youngest child of a control freak mom, and that he will be a completely different person in the real world. KC says this is the best thing for him, and that he feels Big Bear will thrive away from home. That gives me hope. I know KC is right.

I already know I am a control freak when it comes to my kids.
I know.
I know.
I know.
So I am trying to gracefully let go. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The Golden Child

Every family has one.

So I said, "No, he's not the Golden Child. You are both Golden to me!" Okay, I yelled it. And it sounded as dumb as it was.

JaZzy had had enough of BigBear's insults, toward me, and toward him. So he got in BigBear's face (figuratively) and told him in so many words that the difference between the two of them was that he (JaZzy) tries to be obedient and do what I ask.

I wanted to intervene, like.. stop a bomb that's already been detinated....like...I had this fire almost put out and then: JaZzy, who had been a spectator, became a player...and spoke a truth.

What do I do with that?

"See? The Golden Child!"

It didn't end pretty.

She is Number 12

I forgot to mention that Chi-Chi is preggers again. It's a girl! My 12th grandchild.

 FairyPrincess and BabySmurf announcing that its a girl!

Keeping Clam and Carrying on. But not being very good at it.

My daughter, J'Dizzle, is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.

If I had known that she was going to grow up to be so wonderful, and such a close friend to me, I might have been such a better mother. I would have held her so much more. I would have paid more attention to her. I would never have spanked her. If only I had known her as an adult first, and then as a newborn.

Sometimes now, I go to her room and cuddle with her on her bed. We talk and laugh...and it never lasts long enough. I love taking the time to paint her nails. This week, especially, I want to soak up every moment that she is willing to give me. On Sunday she is leaving me forever. I can hardly bear it. I don't want her to go.

No, this is not an eulogy. So I won't make it one. Its just that other times, when she went away, I knew she would always come back. This time I know she never will. My heart is breaking.

It would be easier, I think, if she were leaving me to get married. Then she's have someone committed to her well being. It would also be easier if she were moving across town, or even to the other side of the state. But she's not. She's got a one way ticket to New York City.

Yes, she has friends there, she's planning to move in with them. I have met them on Skype, and they seem like wonderful girls.

Her boyfriend, Enrico, will be there. I know he will take care of her, because he's not really a boy, he's a man. He's established. He's responsible.

J'Dizzle and Enrico, December, 2010

Enrico is and artist from Argentina who lives in NYC most of the year, and sells his paintings there on the street as well as in galleries. They sell for hundreds and even thousands, not only in NYC, but also in Europe and South America. This is one of my favorites:

She will be just fine, I know. She graduates this Friday with an Associated degree. She already has a job as a weekend hostess for a high end restaurant. She is going to apply at a school there in the city, at the John Jay College of Criminology. I am SO proud of her. She is not afraid of life, and she goes for what she wants. She is brave and strong and courageous. And very smart!

I think she will be with Enrico for a very long time, and I'll be surprised if they don't get married and have a cute little family.

Enrico, March 2011

She told me yesterday that she suggested to Enrico last year that they go to Atlantic City for a day of fun. He told her no, and that he knew that she would not be able to control herself there, with the gambling. LOL. yes, he knows my J'Dizzle well.

Enrico is a good man. At first I was very concerned, as any mother would be, when she met him on the streets of Manhattan, was invited to his barbeque that night. I later found out that he is 17 years older then she is. He's only 5 years younger than me. Yes, I was shocked at first. I'll admit it. But I never let JD know it. I was more concerned by their chance meeting, like if he was some freak or pervert. All I could do was remember that JD is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. I had to trust, and even more, I had to let her know that I trusted in her decisions.

I prayed an awful lot, too. I was given assurance, without a doubt, that Enrico is a good man. I am listening to God. But my heart still hurts so much. I am not ready to let her go.

The worst part of it all is that JD gets angry when I show any emotion over her leaving. She told me yesterday that it makes her feel bad when I start to get teary eyed over  it. She doesn't want to cause me pain. I know that. I told her she needed to let me grieve. She didn't think so. I reassured her that I am so happy for her to be going and living her dream. I really am! I wouldn't really want it any other way. I told her how pleased I am with her choices and accomplishments. I really am. As a result of that conversation I am being strong, smiling a lot, and trying to be helpful, not overbearing. I made her a sandwich for lunch. Did a load of her laundry. I'd do that every day if she's promise to stay. I am so pathetic!

J'Dizzle, modeling, 2009.

So she's leaving me forever.  I thought it would be different. I know she can't live in my basement forever, get married there, have children there....

J'Dizzle modeling for innov8, March 2011

...I am just going to miss her so darn much, and it is never going to be the same.

My Lenroot Canal

Why do they call it a root canal? What does that even mean? Are they trying to invoke terror?

Better yet, something that cracks me up every Spring...we get a bill in the mail from the Lenroot Canal Company.

Seriously! Seriously...and I laugh and laugh! I do. Who names their canal company anything with "root" in the title? Someone with a passive aggressive funny bone, that's for sure. KC disagrees. Every year he explains again to me that Lenroot is the last name of the founder of the canal...or something. I don't ever really pay attention to the details of his explanation because I am ROFL. KC doesn't get me, and why I laugh. But that's okay. Being polar opposites is so good for us.

Root canals. I can't explain it, but I completely FREAK OUT when I get major dental work done. I didn't used to be this way. When I was 14 years old I had all four wisdom teeth extracted with Nitrous Oxide and shots. There was a lot of tugging and pressure, but I don't remember feeling terror. At all.

About three years ago I had a root canal or a filling, (I don't remember). All I do remember was going into shock....PAIN and shaking, tears streaming down my face, extreme fear, and I was so cold! What a disaster...and embarrassment! It was awful. From that point forward I needed shots and N/O to even have my new crown fit and ground to the proper bite. For anything major, I get sedation. I have to be driven to the dentist's office because of the sedatives I take at home before. The doc sends me to the pharmacy to get one Valium to take the night before, and two Triazolam an hour before my appointment. After getting comfy in the dental chair they give me more stuff....some nasty powder under my tounge, and I am out in a matter of minutes. Afterwards they wheel me out, through the waiting area, in a wheelchair, to my car. I can only imagine how I must look to the other patients in waiting...dazed, mask imprints on my face, slobbering...again...totally embarrassing. Humbling. It's a good thing I have absolutely no wits about me and won't ever remember it.

Laughter and root canals. And Valium. I had to have a root canal last week. I took the Valium the night before. Had a great snooze, but woke up feeling fine....just fine. So convinced was I that I was fine, that I got up at my usual time, (5:45 AM) and made breakfast for my family. I was a little slow to get going...and ended waking my family up for bible study/breakfast later than usual, about 6:15. But I didn't care. No worries! ManChild had a class early, and had to go shower, so he couldn't make it. J'Dizzle wanted to come up, but said she had something to study for. I just smiled big and wisked my way up the stairs, to BigBear's room. He wouldn't wake up, either. But it was all OK. I sat down with KC and JaZzy at the breakfast table and said that we should start, as the others wouldn't be joining us. KC prayed, and then ask me to read from the Bible first.We were at Ephesians, chapter 3. So, in my normal voice, in my normal attitude of reading....I began:

1For this cause I Paul, the prisoner of Jesus Christ for you Gentiles,

 2If ye have heard of the dispensation of the grace of God which is given me to you-ward:...

...and here...I began laughing uncontrollably....repeating the word..."you-ward!"...over and over, between snorts and giggles and belly laughs! Then tears....more snorts, I was falling off my chair! I was doubled over! JaZzy and of course KC were both aware of the pill I had taken the night before...and JaZzy was thoroughly enjoying the show! When he laughed at me it drove me to fits of insane laughter! And on and on we went....

KC, on the other hand....first looked at me as though I had seven heads. He didn't laugh! How could he not laugh? I laid my head on his chest and said..."This is so funny! I'm so sorry, but it's so funny and I can't help it!"

He grinned somewhat, patted me on the head and said, "I know. Why don't you go back to bed and lie down for a little longer?"

I said okay. Fits of laughter waved through me and I wobbled down the hallway to the bedroom and flopped on my bed. I think I must have looked much like a crazy woman from an old black and white psycho movie, who is about to be tried as a witch. I fell into my down comforter and continued giggling loudly, sometimes snorting. I closed my eyes, and quickly fell into a new peaceful sleep.

The best part, even though I was totally out of myself, was that it was SO much fun. My sweetheart hubbs and my 18 year old son have seen me absolutely as a crazy woman and I didn't care and I. loved. it! It almost seems like a dream now...and I still grin thinking about it!

Well, I have recovered. After J'Dizzle drove me to and from the dentist, I slept the rest of the day, all night, and half of the next day.

Another funny thing, when J'Dizzle brought me home, she told me (with much contempt in her voice) that BigBear had left school early because of a headache, and was home playing on the computer. When I appeaered in the doorway, I said hello to him and went directly to bed. It just didn't matter to me. And funny enough...it still doesn't. I have not called the school to excuse him, and probably wont, heehee!

Now I love the dentist.

Self Help?

I was invited by my very good friend, Brenda, to attend a class that she is teaching on pain management. Ever since I told her that I have trigeminal neuralgia, she has been encouraging me to attend. It's a 6 week long class, once a week on Thursday mornings at 10:00 AM.

I told her I was not entirely comfortable going. She insisted I would even be a great teacher for the class. Flattering, but I knew better. I gave her every argument I could think of, even that I am not actually in that much pain right now. Denial? Certainly. She went on to tell me that its not just physical pain that is dealt with, but all kinds of emotional pain, too. I suppose what won me over was that she said if she gets so many people to attend 4 of the six classes each session, she qualifies for federal grant money to teach the class. So I said I would go.

I was also so impressed at how Brenda takes her material to the women's county jail and teaches the sessions. She told me stories of these women, and it brought me to tears. I told her I didn't think I could teach it. I'm much too emotional. So she said, "No, really, you would be a great teacher. Just come to a session and see."

I couldn't make it to last Thursday's class because I was out of town. So I went this morning.

RED FLAG #1:
Brenda was not there. Two elderly women were team teaching the class.

RED FLAG #2:
"Class, now we are going to do what is called 'brain storming'! Let me explain what this is. I present an idea and write it on the chalkboard, and all of you just shout out your ideas about what you think it means! ok, ready?..."


RED FLAG #3: "Pick a partner, someone you don't know. Tell this partner what causes you to feel anxiety in your life and why. After 4 minutes, switch, and you listen to what causes your partner anexiety for 4 minutes. Afterwards everyone will share with the class what their partner's anxieties are. We will list them all on the chalkboard and then 'brainstorm' together for ideas of how to cope!"

Nooooo.....! Not feelings. I didn't know they would want me to talk about my feeeeelings. 

I quickly told my partner that not knowing when trigeminal neuralgia may strike me causes me to feel out of control, and I don't like feeling out of control. That was pretty much a cut and dried general answer, no need to go into details about my life.

One gentleman shared how his partner (in this exercise) had expressed his frustration over being bi-polar, how he hates himself and wants to commit suicide. The man with PB disorder sat straight faced, eyes glazed. The teacher asked with a tremor in her voice how to list that on the chalkboard. You could have heard a pin drop. The man with BP disorder said something, I don't remember what. I was in shock.

Side note: Twenty minutes before going to class this morning, I found out one of my best friend's fathers shot himself last night. Reality slapped me upside the head.

Break time with snack food and water. Hour 3 begins. (Didn't Brenda say it was to last two hours? )

RED FLAG #4: We were to open the manual and see illustrations of stretching exercises, as we talked about the various illustrations.

RED FLAG #5: I'll admit I was bored. I flipped through the manual. Chapter 12 was on how to cope sexually...positions, touching...TMI! At least there were no illustrations.

Back to RED FLAG #4: the stretching exercise illustrations. "First we have the neck stretching illustration. Tilt your head to the left..."

AND I couldn't take it anymore.

This class was not for me. I know it must be a wonderful tool for those in need of support and emotional and physical pain relief, but I am not in need of either. Maybe I am in denial, or I maybe I am crazy, but grant money or no grant money, I could not stay another moment.

I quietly excused myself and got as far as my car in the parking lot, when one of the teachers came running out after me. (Rats!). "Remember, next Thursday's class will be at the other building..."

"Okay! Thanks!"

"...don't you want your manual?"

"Uh, no, no, you keep it. I am not sure this class is for me, but thanks!"

Oh, I feel awful. But I feel better knowing I don't have to go back and share my feelings about things and discuss my sex life. I don't know what to say to Brenda. I suppose the truth is the best idea.

Joni

So I prayed.


Well, I always try to be prayerful, but I had sort of slacked off on talking to Him about Joni and Julie, the twins. I prayed before I wrote the letter (for JoAnne to forward on to them), and I prayed after....for them, and asked Him to bring us all together if was his His will.


Joni found me on Facebook a couple of days ago and wrote me a letter!!! (I never, as a rule use more than one exclamation point, so you can see how excited I am!) It was short. It was heartbreaking. It was heavenly:


This is why I have not really responded to any correspondence, I found out I had cancer in mid october, and I have been dealing with that since then, but I have been praying about the issue of getting to know my birth family and I will let you know. Joni


She also sent a link to her cancer blog. This woman has so much love for God, and she has so much faith. I have absolutely grown to love her, adore her in two days time. 


But cancer! They found it in her hip first, and replaced her hip last October. Now they are saying it's breast cancer. She is only 54, and she is still reeling from the newness of it all, it appears to me. 


If you are a family member and have not read her blog yet, contact me and I will send you the link. 


Joni sent me another quick email after the first, and told me that her sister didn't know she was in contact with us. I asked Joni what her reaction might be and she said that Julie likes things the way they are. I told her it was okay. It is okay. How I hope she and Julie can grasp how much she is already loved by all her birth family!


Strange coincidences:

• Julie Kinnear (not presently a twin) and Julie Knudson (the twin) are sisters! They look so much alike!
• Joni is married to Chuck, and now she has a brother named Chuck!
• Joni has a son named Jacob Joseph. I have a son named Jacob Joseph. 
• Joni rides a Harley! I can't believe all the bikers in our family.

I am thrilled to have Joni in my life. She is beautiful inside and out. She is extremely guarded, though, so I think it will take some time to learn about her. 


There's a new purpose to my prayers, or rather, added purpose. As I converse with Him I ask Him to please let Joni stay here for a long while. I have just found her! Ahhh!...Me and my selfish prayers. I know He hears me. I just hope His will is the same as mine. 

 Chuck and Joni

Renewed

Time for a make over. Something about the blue skies makes me happy. Its a lovely day, even if it is cold and windy, and there is still two feet of snow on the lawn. I can't complain, really. I have a warm home and even a fire if I like. I have an abundance of food and clothing. I have three wonderful children who at the moment all love me. I have a fantastic man by my side.

I went to worship (a session) at the temple yesterday, which always renews my spirit. I also had a very good work out. Maybe that's why everything looks brighter today.

Today I'll make chicken noodle zoup, and tonight I'll go shopping with KC. A bunch of trivial stuff in between. 

I wrote a letter to my aunts, Julie and Joni, the twins. JoAnne from the adoption agency said she would forward it to them if I would send it to her. So I did, two days ago. Strangely I have not heard a word from JoAnne about it. She usually emails me right back. Hmph!

Uncle Clayton and I are "actively" in the planning stages for the Marvelle Jerome Reunion. I hope to talk to him again today or tomorrow to make some decisions on lodging. It's exciting to think about meeting everyone! I invited the twins in my letter to them. I hope they will consider it.