I Already Know, You Don't Have to Say It.

I always dreamed of the day when my children wouldn't be so needy. When they were in diapers, I couldn't wait for them to potty train. I have always LOVED when my kids were in school, and nearly cried with panic thinking of them all being home at the same time All. Summer. Long. ...etc, etc...you get the picture. I didn't think I'd feel the way I do now.

My J'Dizzle doesn't call me every day anymore. KC says it's just because she is all grown up. *me whining*: "But she used to call me every daaaayyyy..." However, she is very happy and doing quite well for herself. She has a job in Manhattan at an upperscale organic restaurant, waitressing.  She's doing fine. She's safe. She's Happy. (These are the things I remind myself daily.)

JaZzy just became certified as a life guard, and has a job as soon as the community pool is finished being built. Then what? A church mission? The University? He has not quite decided, and I have not pushed. When he is ready, he'll do something productive.

Big Bear is leaving me and breaking my heart, too. Although I feel equally as much guilt because it is going to drastically change the dynamics here at home to one of extreme peace and quiet....*..seeing a little vision...*

-Ah...back now- Big Bear, at the tender age of 17 has been approved to sell security systems for Vivint, in PENNSYLVANIA. Which is clear on the other side of the continent, if you didn't know. He will be dropped off in a neighborhood and expected to go door to door, By. Him. Self. Gaaaaahhhhhhhh. He WANTED to do this. He hooked himself up with Vivent, with no help from me. He will be gone for 10 weeks, aka, All Summer, unless he hates it, in which case he can come home any time, but he will be so much further in debt to KC and me for the airplane fare if he decides its not for him and quits. And that is my Biggest Fear. He's doing this mainly because he has heard that he can make a lot of money in a short amount of time with Vivint, and he needs to get his restitution and county fees paid off in order to get off probation.
I REALLY think he is made for selling stuff, and I believe he will do very well if he pushes himself. But that right there is the source of my Biggest Fear, his lack of self motivation. I can only hope that his lack of motivation (keeping his room clean, picking up his dirty dishes, doing anything I want him to do, etc.) is based on being the youngest child of a control freak mom, and that he will be a completely different person in the real world. KC says this is the best thing for him, and that he feels Big Bear will thrive away from home. That gives me hope. I know KC is right.

I already know I am a control freak when it comes to my kids.
I know.
I know.
I know.
So I am trying to gracefully let go. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done.