Nightmares are made of Fear

My worst nightmare came true. After BigBear's first sale, he called or texted several times each day with fears and doubts. It started as...

• Oh, it's so hot here. And the hours are so long.
• I don't have any money, and I don't know why they haven't paid me.

Week two he got his second sale, and it escalated to:

• Oh, crap, I just knocked on an off duty police officer's door. My manager forgot to give me my permit today so this guy is calling the police. Oh crap! The police are here...
• I really hate this Mom. 

And finally, 

• I want to come home. I can't do this anymore. 

That was 3 weeks ago. A week ago today I picked him up at the airport. With the cost of his flights and food, he didn't even break even. It was a harsh job, working 8 hours a day, going door to door, and getting them slammed in his face. I was surprised that he chose it. It's not something I would have dreamed of doing. Ever. But BigBear is different. He's not afraid of people. He's not afraid of adventure. He chose this job, so I didn't doubt he could do it. 

I was his confidant and friend while he was gone. So full of I love you's and I miss you's and thanks for adding money to my debit card momma. But now that he's home, and because I have set boundaries, I am at the top of his Hate List. I guess that's just where I have to be for a while, although it's hurtful. Being a "White" personality, (See http://www.colorcode.com/ ) and having a Red/Yellow son, is really REALLY difficult. I hate setting boundaries/rules/consequenses...mostly because I know I have to follow through if I want to be a successful parent. All my other children pretty much were able to follow the rules and do what was asked of them. But BigBear, not so much.

BigBear wants to do things his own way in his own time. So if I ask tell him to pick up his clothes, it won't get done unless there is a time limit and a consequence attached. 

Here are some of the boundaries I have set up since he came home: 

• No computer until you have a job.
• Clean up your own dishes. (No consequence attached.)
• Be five minutes early to church and don't leave early. Consequence: I take your iPod for a week. 
• No more staying up all night. (No consequence attached.)

So I guess I am in trouble for being weak and not having thought of consequences for the two. But I really felt proud of myself for attaching the ones I did do. Although it took me a couple of hours to rehearse in my mind how I would present them, and then a couple more hours to gussy up enough courage to lay down the law. 

Pathetic, right?

What do I get in return?  He is punishing me with distance, grunting for answers, and sassy attitude responses when I ask him anything. Yay me. 

I KNOW MOM! You have told me that I can't leave church early a MILLION times already. 

Well, BigBear, if I don't tell you what will happen if you leave early, you will claim that I never told you the consequences when it does happen. 

Well if you'd just lower your standards! You make things so difficult!

My standards are not all that high, Sweetheart. 

This is when it's hard not to lose who I am. This is when it's hard to pick my battles. This is when it's hard to walk away, and button my lips. All because he can. not. know. that I have a raging fire in my head when he speaks to me that way, and its all I can do to not to verbally attack him and take every toy and privilege away from him. He can not know because I will not allow him to know his attitude crushes my heart, and because I am strong and because I am the one in control. 

And I want to Holy Spirit in my life. I need divine instruction, and if I lose my temper, I lose the guidance of the Spirit. 

So I walk away, and act as if I have the entire universe in the palm of my hand.  

I have have been praying for BigBear in my every prayer, and today I fasted for him, too, asking that doors would open for him to find employment, and that his heart to soften toward me. I don't know how else to help him. But I know that Heavenly Father can, and will if it's His desire. Because God loves him so much more than I can imagine...so much more than I do. And I love him more than my own life. So the hardest part is letting go of the fear, doing my very best as a parent, and trusting in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

Ugh. Somebody remind me tomorrow that Jacob's clothes are still not picked up.