If I had known that she was going to grow up to be so wonderful, and such a close friend to me, I might have been such a better mother. I would have held her so much more. I would have paid more attention to her. I would never have spanked her. If only I had known her as an adult first, and then as a newborn.
Sometimes now, I go to her room and cuddle with her on her bed. We talk and laugh...and it never lasts long enough. I love taking the time to paint her nails. This week, especially, I want to soak up every moment that she is willing to give me. On Sunday she is leaving me forever. I can hardly bear it. I don't want her to go.
No, this is not an eulogy. So I won't make it one. Its just that other times, when she went away, I knew she would always come back. This time I know she never will. My heart is breaking.
It would be easier, I think, if she were leaving me to get married. Then she's have someone committed to her well being. It would also be easier if she were moving across town, or even to the other side of the state. But she's not. She's got a one way ticket to New York City.
Yes, she has friends there, she's planning to move in with them. I have met them on Skype, and they seem like wonderful girls.
Her boyfriend, Enrico, will be there. I know he will take care of her, because he's not really a boy, he's a man. He's established. He's responsible.
J'Dizzle and Enrico, December, 2010
Enrico is and artist from Argentina who lives in NYC most of the year, and sells his paintings there on the street as well as in galleries. They sell for hundreds and even thousands, not only in NYC, but also in Europe and South America. This is one of my favorites:
She will be just fine, I know. She graduates this Friday with an Associated degree. She already has a job as a weekend hostess for a high end restaurant. She is going to apply at a school there in the city, at the John Jay College of Criminology. I am SO proud of her. She is not afraid of life, and she goes for what she wants. She is brave and strong and courageous. And very smart!
I think she will be with Enrico for a very long time, and I'll be surprised if they don't get married and have a cute little family.
Enrico, March 2011
She told me yesterday that she suggested to Enrico last year that they go to Atlantic City for a day of fun. He told her no, and that he knew that she would not be able to control herself there, with the gambling. LOL. yes, he knows my J'Dizzle well.
Enrico is a good man. At first I was very concerned, as any mother would be, when she met him on the streets of Manhattan, was invited to his barbeque that night. I later found out that he is 17 years older then she is. He's only 5 years younger than me. Yes, I was shocked at first. I'll admit it. But I never let JD know it. I was more concerned by their chance meeting, like if he was some freak or pervert. All I could do was remember that JD is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. I had to trust, and even more, I had to let her know that I trusted in her decisions.
I prayed an awful lot, too. I was given assurance, without a doubt, that Enrico is a good man. I am listening to God. But my heart still hurts so much. I am not ready to let her go.
The worst part of it all is that JD gets angry when I show any emotion over her leaving. She told me yesterday that it makes her feel bad when I start to get teary eyed over it. She doesn't want to cause me pain. I know that. I told her she needed to let me grieve. She didn't think so. I reassured her that I am so happy for her to be going and living her dream. I really am! I wouldn't really want it any other way. I told her how pleased I am with her choices and accomplishments. I really am. As a result of that conversation I am being strong, smiling a lot, and trying to be helpful, not overbearing. I made her a sandwich for lunch. Did a load of her laundry. I'd do that every day if she's promise to stay. I am so pathetic!
J'Dizzle, modeling, 2009.
J'Dizzle modeling for innov8, March 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment