Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev'rywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living ev'ry day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Suddenly things are so different. 

ManChild is asking Fannie Farmer to marry him today. 

JD called me this morning and told me she can't imagine her life without AB in it. 

JZ started a new job today waiting tables in one of the nicer restaurants in the area. It's where JD used to work. 

BB took the ACT for the first time today and KC and I have been answering his college entrance questions.

I like seeing everyone progress and change, I admit it. But I often reflect back and wonder if I did enough. I suppose if I had known that life as a SAHM with 8 children was not actually going to last forever, I might have tried a little harder during the rougher times. 

Hmmmm.

I wonder what's next? 

It's My Job

After 13 years of being a SAHM, I am now working part time as a telephone survey/research person. I work about 20 hours per week. It's not that we need the extra income, it's just:


Reason I Decided to Get a Job:

• I wanted to show BigBear I support him in football. I told him I would pay for his gas money to and from football practices, and to and from football games. 

The REAL Reasons I Decided to Get a Job:

• I didn't feel like I could ask KC to pay for BigBear's football gas money. 
• I could not handle KC complaining about how BigBear should not be playing football because he is so in debt to us and to the county, and on top of that he has no job. And now he is racking up football gas money on top of it all. KC has been keeping careful track of BigBear's mileage and has been adding a fuel bill to his already enormous debt. 
• BigBear made a mistake, a serious mistake almost two years ago when he was 15, going on a vandalism spree with some equally stupid friends. He was tried, sentenced, served 2 weeks in county detention, and owes thousands dollars for restitution, probation, and his rent for county detention, all of which I refuse to pay one cent for.  But BigBear is not evil. He is not bad. He's just a dumb kid that made a bad choice. He has so much good in him, he has so many gifts and talents. He deserves a break. I am paying for his gas money for football, free and clear. 
• I felt trapped, as if my life was passing me by, and as a SAHM I was running constantly on everyone elses' schedules. Deciding to get a job was as much for me as it was for BigBear. 
• KC did not want me to get a job. He even offered to pay for BigBear's football gas money if I wouldn't look for a job. Of course, independent snot that I am, his saying this made me even more determined to get a job, because, you know, I felt trapped. Controlled. 
• Jobs are extremely scarce around here. Getting a job was proof to myself that I have still got it. Whatever "it"is. Brains? Looks? Personality? Hm. 

Reasons I Like My Job:

• The hours are extremely flexible. 
• I am very good at communication. I think. 
• I don't have to work every other Friday if I don't want to. 
• I have evenings, Saturdays and Sundays off. Always. 
• It's nice to be around young people. 
• The gym where I work out is only a few blocks away from where I work. 
• I have a place in society. 
• I can quit after 90 days (if I don't like it), for a good reference. Just need to give 2 weeks notice. Hmm. 

Reasons I Hate My Job:

• I hate it when telemarketers or sales people call me, so why on earth did I ever think I would be good at telephone surveys? I must be an idiot. 
• I hate imposing anything on anyone. I would hang up on me. 
• It's not what I really wanted. I don't know what I really wanted. Why was Beauty School my highest educational goal? 
• I am committed for 90 days...er...make that 87 now. 
• I think KC knew I would hate it.And now I have to pretend I love it, because I have this pride/spite thing going on. I hate that I always have to learn things the hard way. 
• BigBear probably will never fully appreciate what I am doing for him. 

It's going to be a long 87 days.