Keep Calm and Carry On: The Crossing of the Fingers

BB graduates from high school in 20 days. *crossing my fingers*

For his grad announcement. His picks:

He will, I know he will. BB decided to do mostly all online classes for the last trimester of his Senior year, but he has not taken the work seriously. Yesterday his online teacher called me to say he had until the 12th to raise his English grade to "passing", or he would not graduate.

"Thank you," says me. "I'll pass that information along."

The hardest part is letting BB decide for himself if he passes or fails, graduates or not.

The past 6 months have been especially difficult with BB. When I banned the XBox last in our home last November-ish he took it as a personal assault and completely cut me off. He officially did not need me; I was dead to him. It was a new Cold War where battles were fought with dirty looks and silent treatments. Many times I lost my swagger out of frustration and said things I regret. Always I apologized and tried to bring him back, but the damage was done and his resentment deepened. Most days I put on my happy face, hug him (one way affection) or at least I make it a point to put my arm around him or give a love pat in passing. I consciously say hello and goodbye and "How was your day." I often just start talking to him about random things while he sits at the computer in the kitchen. Sometimes I get a hint of acknowledgment, sometimes I realize he has his earbuds in.

Grad announcement.

The other day, however, after I did something nice for him...I don't know...I think I put his laundry in the dryer or something...he said goodbye to me before leaving for school. I am not sure he meant to say it. It may have been a slip.

I cried buckets over it after he left. Imagine me crying because he said "Bye."

Another bright spot was that on a "good" day this week, he let me take his senior pictures. I realize the motivation for him was that getting the photos done meant I would produce his graduation announcements, and that grandparents would be sending him gift money. He was not warm and fuzzy by any means, of course, but the fact that he was with me, and we were together, and we were doing something together, was a huge boon for me! However, I realize that this is not a permanent change in him...to do stuff with me, to acknowledge me, to give me such liberty with his time. But I'll take any small ray of hope at this point and treasure it in the moment.

Grad announcement.

BB finally got a job at McDonald's about a month ago (and the angels sang). I think he secretly likes it, but all I get is a grunt/shrug whenever I ask. Most of his income goes to pay off his debts - as per the demands of his probation officer. If he works hard and gets most of it paid by July it looks like he will get to be released. Yay! *crossing fingers on my other hand*

Grad announcement.

And, he has an $8,000 debate scholarship to the College of Our State - pending his high school graduation. I am so thrilled and proud of him for getting that scholarship! I don't know how he plans to pay for the other $22,000 per semester he will need, and thinking about it makes me so nervous.

I liked this one but he didn't choose it for the announcements. Here I said "smile!" Miracle of miracles.

He has 2 years of free tuition here at our hometown university (religious), because KC teaches there, but BB refuses to consider it, out of contempt for me, for KC, and our religious beliefs. Did I mention before that BB stopped attending church meetings about 9 months ago? Yes, it hurts, but it's fine. I don't see any point in forcing my beliefs on him. I have lovingly taught him Christian values and specifically LDS doctrine from the day he was born. Now it's up to him to choose what he will. Every morning I invite him to come to family prayer and scripture study, and once in a while he does. He still participates in our 12 minute family home evenings, even if it's just KC and BB and me. He'll even pray, if asked. Treasured moments.

I am out of fingers. Maybe I could wish upon a star. I have had many, many conversations with God on BB's behalf, as He knows him better than I do.

I also added this one to his grad announcement.

I wish you could see his genuine smile here. This pup was crying the whole time we were there. BB LOVES animals, especially dogs, so his natural beautiful smile came through for this little dog. When he turned back around to face me it gone.