My Crown Fell Off

Talked for a long time with J'Dizzle, sitting in my naughty chair (the driver's seat in my car) at the vacuums at the carwash. She always seems to know when to call. She understands me and lets me rant, and agrees with me, even if we are both wrong.

My daughter, J'Dizzle.
We talked about this new picture of her, and how Enrico snapped it of her when she was angry with him. We both laughed, and I told her that if someone took a picture of me right now, "angry" might be a good look for me too! 

Sometimes my daughter feels like a mother, caressing my anxiety and telling me I am ok. She is such a gift.

*sniffle*

I had to go back into town to the car wash, because,

I took the country dirt back road, up on top of the bench,

(Which is where I passed a lone runner. Why haven't I ever thought of running flailing up there?)

past the harvested potato fields and old potato cellars (I remember working in those very cellars.)

I had a talk with my Heavenly Father there, as I drove 20 mph, watching the setting sun. I told him everything, because I can't lie to Him. He knows. And although I was very very selfish and bad, I asked him for a blessing. Help me undo what I have done. Undeserving, and not quite sorry yet, me.

When I reached pavement my prayer was said, and my car was smothered in dust. I didn't want any questions about why I took the back roads. BB takes them often, and it drives KC crazy.

That's why when I was one ne mile from home, I headed back, on paved roads this time, into town, to the car wash.

But first, I had to pee from the huge diet Dr. Pepper I had just consumed, and I was hungry. So I drove into the McDonald's next to the car wash. Pit stop then refueled my tummy.

Next was the car wash. Dirt gone, and I was about to use the free vacuums, when J'Dizzle called. Perfect way to end my I-Would-Like-Some-Part-of-My-Home-to-Be-Mine-rage. She somehow knew to call, and all she wanted to do was talk about me.

At home, I said my painful sorry's. I was selfish, but not entirely wrong.

KC had cleaned the kitchen and dining room, and finished the laundry while I was gone. The house smells of bleach. I told him I felt bad that he did it all, knowing it was only because he knew I was angry. He denied that.

HAHAHA! Men. Bless his heart.  


I told him what was eating me and it sounded so ridiculous as the words spilled out. Foolishness. Childish.
"I hate it when I am this way!" He held me and let me cry in his chest. He gave me his hankee to wipe what used to be on my eyelashes off my face.

KC with the pumpkin he carved, at my birthday party last week. He bought me flowers,  planned the party with games, gifts, made dinner and a cake. Did all the dishes too. He does this every birthday for me. And Mother's Day. 

Sheesh. I can't win. I am a silly, silly girl.

If I were him, I would not put up with me for more than a minute, yet he does. I just can't figure him out. I am indeed, very blessed.

Getting Back to Kansas

***Forget about that stupid ticker.***

From the Wizard of OZ:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

Dorothy realizes that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. She relinquishes the miracle-working power of the Wizard - he has floated away - and relies upon her own power and personality to find her independent identity and way home.

Dorothy: Well, I-I think that it, that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda: That's all it is!
Scarecrow: But that's so easy! I should've thought of it for you -
Tin Man: I should have felt it in my heart -
Glinda: No, she had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too.
Dorothy: Now?
Glinda: Whenever you wish.

Dorothy exclaims: "Oh dear, that's too wonderful to be true."

I quit my job today, (although my last day is not until Thursday). KC asked, "Why? Is something the matter?" in a text message to my phone. I replied, " I just hate it. I HATE it." And I do. It's the worst job EVER for me. 

Epiphanies today while on the phones at work:

• All these years I could have said to KC, "I am going to always have a little cash in my purse." I could have gone to the bank and gotten $20 and put it in the secret zipper of my purse. I could have just told KC, or not, and just done it.
• I could have told KC that we need to support BigBear by paying for his football gas money. It would not have been comfortable to discuss, but KC would have supported me.
• I can not, I will not, waste my time in college (starting next year) following a career path toward anything that does not bring me joy. Seriously, I was thinking of a major chosen by my brain and not my heart. If for no other reason, this experience, working at a job I hate, has freed me from this kind of practical, uncreative thinking. 
• I HATE sitting in a tiny cubicle (with icky egg carton foam 'sound insulator' that gather's tortilla chip and cookie crumbs from the last 37 people who occupied it...ew) trying to get people,  (CEO's of huge corporations who don't think of me a human being), to let me interview them for 20 minutes about things I care nothing about. *click*
• If KC were to suddenly pass away, and I needed a job, of course I would be very grateful to have a job at all. I would even consider going back to this job. I recognize that there are many people who would gladly take this job. However, I would certainly be constantly, passionately, looking for something else, because this job is awful, for me.
• I need to help people, not irritate them. 
• Nothing about working here is worth the time it takes away from my family, my health, and my happiness. I had to find this out for myself, or I would have never believed it. 
• I have the power to change things. I have always had the power to change things.

Give me those magic ruby slippers. 

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev'rywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living ev'ry day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Suddenly things are so different. 

ManChild is asking Fannie Farmer to marry him today. 

JD called me this morning and told me she can't imagine her life without AB in it. 

JZ started a new job today waiting tables in one of the nicer restaurants in the area. It's where JD used to work. 

BB took the ACT for the first time today and KC and I have been answering his college entrance questions.

I like seeing everyone progress and change, I admit it. But I often reflect back and wonder if I did enough. I suppose if I had known that life as a SAHM with 8 children was not actually going to last forever, I might have tried a little harder during the rougher times. 

Hmmmm.

I wonder what's next? 

It's My Job

After 13 years of being a SAHM, I am now working part time as a telephone survey/research person. I work about 20 hours per week. It's not that we need the extra income, it's just:


Reason I Decided to Get a Job:

• I wanted to show BigBear I support him in football. I told him I would pay for his gas money to and from football practices, and to and from football games. 

The REAL Reasons I Decided to Get a Job:

• I didn't feel like I could ask KC to pay for BigBear's football gas money. 
• I could not handle KC complaining about how BigBear should not be playing football because he is so in debt to us and to the county, and on top of that he has no job. And now he is racking up football gas money on top of it all. KC has been keeping careful track of BigBear's mileage and has been adding a fuel bill to his already enormous debt. 
• BigBear made a mistake, a serious mistake almost two years ago when he was 15, going on a vandalism spree with some equally stupid friends. He was tried, sentenced, served 2 weeks in county detention, and owes thousands dollars for restitution, probation, and his rent for county detention, all of which I refuse to pay one cent for.  But BigBear is not evil. He is not bad. He's just a dumb kid that made a bad choice. He has so much good in him, he has so many gifts and talents. He deserves a break. I am paying for his gas money for football, free and clear. 
• I felt trapped, as if my life was passing me by, and as a SAHM I was running constantly on everyone elses' schedules. Deciding to get a job was as much for me as it was for BigBear. 
• KC did not want me to get a job. He even offered to pay for BigBear's football gas money if I wouldn't look for a job. Of course, independent snot that I am, his saying this made me even more determined to get a job, because, you know, I felt trapped. Controlled. 
• Jobs are extremely scarce around here. Getting a job was proof to myself that I have still got it. Whatever "it"is. Brains? Looks? Personality? Hm. 

Reasons I Like My Job:

• The hours are extremely flexible. 
• I am very good at communication. I think. 
• I don't have to work every other Friday if I don't want to. 
• I have evenings, Saturdays and Sundays off. Always. 
• It's nice to be around young people. 
• The gym where I work out is only a few blocks away from where I work. 
• I have a place in society. 
• I can quit after 90 days (if I don't like it), for a good reference. Just need to give 2 weeks notice. Hmm. 

Reasons I Hate My Job:

• I hate it when telemarketers or sales people call me, so why on earth did I ever think I would be good at telephone surveys? I must be an idiot. 
• I hate imposing anything on anyone. I would hang up on me. 
• It's not what I really wanted. I don't know what I really wanted. Why was Beauty School my highest educational goal? 
• I am committed for 90 days...er...make that 87 now. 
• I think KC knew I would hate it.And now I have to pretend I love it, because I have this pride/spite thing going on. I hate that I always have to learn things the hard way. 
• BigBear probably will never fully appreciate what I am doing for him. 

It's going to be a long 87 days.

Vitapel. Yes, please.

http://madisonwomensclinic.com/vitapel.php

I had my second implant of HRT recently, an injectable pellet form of testosterone, for both men and women.  It lasts three months. Costs around $200 for the complete procedure.

Holy Cow.

It's no snake oil. It really works.

I feel....hmmm....let me just say:

I feel balanced. I feel like I did when I was 25 19 18.

I don't hate people for breathing my air anymore. I find it easy to be cheerful and positive all the time.

Unbelievable.  

Cherry on Top

10:20 PM...I FINISHED! I spent two days and two nights (until 3:00 AM each night) cleaning the dog pee smell out of my carpets. Success! Yay! I was exhausted and extremely cranky, and hadn't been all that nice throughout the day to those who matter the most to me. Not something I am proud of. I made a mental note to be nicer. I plunked down in my office chair and opened my laptop to Facebook. My little doggie, Sammy, came in to greet me, and looking up at me with that sweet face, urinated. 

Seriously? Can anyone explain this? 

I lost my cool. Rare for me. Later, after a rant and a good cry, I picked up Sammy out of his kennel and took him out on the front steps and just held him while it poured rain. We talked about it. Told him I was so sorry for scaring him that way. And in his doggie eyed language he told me he was sorry, too, although I never could get him to tell me why he did it. I brought him in the kitchen and offered him food and a drink, but he was still too shaken, and hid from me. Usually he hides from others in my shadow. 

This morning all was forgotten, and he was following me around again, one step behind, like a good member of the pack. AGH! Why do I love that mutt so much? 

Confessions of a Dog Lover

DO NOT buy a black light unless you want to be horrified.

I love dogs. And I love my dogs the most. They are the sweetest mutts ever. Strays that were abandoned in our neighborhood as puppies.

 Sammy on the day he was found wandering our neighborhood. 

J'Dizzle giving Gretel kisses. 

Gretel  (10 years old) has always been potty trained. She's always asked to go out if she needed to. But Sammy (3 year sold) has been a problem dog. It took a good year to learn how to train him, but I did it. In the mean time he was having accidents in my house, usually while I was away and he was off his chain or out of his kennel, on the boy's watch. I always have cleaned any mess right up. But lately....our home has started to...ugh....

...smell.

KC and I go sniffing all over looking for the foul odor. But lately, it's just a presence. It's so awful, and I am so embarrassed. I don't want anyone to come over until I figure out how to fix it.

So I bought the black light, and 3 quarts of urine stuff, that's guaranteed to get rid of the odor or "your money back". Was I skeptical about the black light? Yes. I'll admit I was. I began downstairs in the two connecting family rooms, where the odor seemed to be more than anywhere else. I darkened the room and turned on the black-light.

Horror.

The sea of florescent green dry pee puddles before me was shocking. I had no idea. It was overwhelming. Sickening.

The lights came on and I read the directions on the bottle of urine solution. It said to saturate the spot thoroughly, and let dry. Ok. Easy enough. I turned off the lights again, turned on the black light, and used the entire quart bottle on six spots.

That's when I knew I was in deep doo-doo. There had to be a better way.

I found a recipe on the internet for a do it yourself solution, requiring white vinegar, baking soda, dish soap and hydrogen peroxide. The recipe is enough for one spot. Agh! I knew I had 3 gallons of white vinegar in my food storage, so I found it and began the first step: a solution of equal parts of vinegar and water, to deeply saturate each spot. At 11:00 PM, I ran out of vinegar. (That's 6 gallons of solution, folks!)

Off to Walmart to buy more vinegar then,12 miles away.  They were closed, but Albertson's was still open! I came out with 6 gallons of white vinegar, 12 pounds of baking soda, and a gallon of hydrogen peroxide. It's a wonder that I wasn't reported to the police for purchasing questionable ingredients. Just in case, I had the urine solution recipe in my hand in the store. I picked up a diet Dr. Pepper for the trip home.

At 3:30 AM I finished applying the hydrogen peroxide solution over the baking soda layer of each soiled spot on the downstairs carpet. Rubbed it all in good. Now I just have to let it dry, and vacuum up the baking soda. Then I'll steam clean the entire carpet again with a pet owners carpet cleaning solution. It will probably be the day after tomorrow before that thick downstairs carpet completely dries.

This morning I woke up and ran downstairs to take a whiff....smelled like vinegar and baking soda and wet dog down there. AAAGH! But it's still wet. There is still hope.

Last night when I finished I took the black light upstairs to see the damage on the carpet of our main living area. Not nearly as bad as downstairs, but still, not good. I was surprised at all the clever places a dog can pee. Now that it's dark I am off to repeat the process upstairs. Not looking forward to another all-nighter, but I am looking forward to no more wretched filthy dog pee smell.

Wish me luck.