Cherry on Top

10:20 PM...I FINISHED! I spent two days and two nights (until 3:00 AM each night) cleaning the dog pee smell out of my carpets. Success! Yay! I was exhausted and extremely cranky, and hadn't been all that nice throughout the day to those who matter the most to me. Not something I am proud of. I made a mental note to be nicer. I plunked down in my office chair and opened my laptop to Facebook. My little doggie, Sammy, came in to greet me, and looking up at me with that sweet face, urinated. 

Seriously? Can anyone explain this? 

I lost my cool. Rare for me. Later, after a rant and a good cry, I picked up Sammy out of his kennel and took him out on the front steps and just held him while it poured rain. We talked about it. Told him I was so sorry for scaring him that way. And in his doggie eyed language he told me he was sorry, too, although I never could get him to tell me why he did it. I brought him in the kitchen and offered him food and a drink, but he was still too shaken, and hid from me. Usually he hides from others in my shadow. 

This morning all was forgotten, and he was following me around again, one step behind, like a good member of the pack. AGH! Why do I love that mutt so much? 

Confessions of a Dog Lover

DO NOT buy a black light unless you want to be horrified.

I love dogs. And I love my dogs the most. They are the sweetest mutts ever. Strays that were abandoned in our neighborhood as puppies.

 Sammy on the day he was found wandering our neighborhood. 

J'Dizzle giving Gretel kisses. 

Gretel  (10 years old) has always been potty trained. She's always asked to go out if she needed to. But Sammy (3 year sold) has been a problem dog. It took a good year to learn how to train him, but I did it. In the mean time he was having accidents in my house, usually while I was away and he was off his chain or out of his kennel, on the boy's watch. I always have cleaned any mess right up. But lately....our home has started to...ugh....

...smell.

KC and I go sniffing all over looking for the foul odor. But lately, it's just a presence. It's so awful, and I am so embarrassed. I don't want anyone to come over until I figure out how to fix it.

So I bought the black light, and 3 quarts of urine stuff, that's guaranteed to get rid of the odor or "your money back". Was I skeptical about the black light? Yes. I'll admit I was. I began downstairs in the two connecting family rooms, where the odor seemed to be more than anywhere else. I darkened the room and turned on the black-light.

Horror.

The sea of florescent green dry pee puddles before me was shocking. I had no idea. It was overwhelming. Sickening.

The lights came on and I read the directions on the bottle of urine solution. It said to saturate the spot thoroughly, and let dry. Ok. Easy enough. I turned off the lights again, turned on the black light, and used the entire quart bottle on six spots.

That's when I knew I was in deep doo-doo. There had to be a better way.

I found a recipe on the internet for a do it yourself solution, requiring white vinegar, baking soda, dish soap and hydrogen peroxide. The recipe is enough for one spot. Agh! I knew I had 3 gallons of white vinegar in my food storage, so I found it and began the first step: a solution of equal parts of vinegar and water, to deeply saturate each spot. At 11:00 PM, I ran out of vinegar. (That's 6 gallons of solution, folks!)

Off to Walmart to buy more vinegar then,12 miles away.  They were closed, but Albertson's was still open! I came out with 6 gallons of white vinegar, 12 pounds of baking soda, and a gallon of hydrogen peroxide. It's a wonder that I wasn't reported to the police for purchasing questionable ingredients. Just in case, I had the urine solution recipe in my hand in the store. I picked up a diet Dr. Pepper for the trip home.

At 3:30 AM I finished applying the hydrogen peroxide solution over the baking soda layer of each soiled spot on the downstairs carpet. Rubbed it all in good. Now I just have to let it dry, and vacuum up the baking soda. Then I'll steam clean the entire carpet again with a pet owners carpet cleaning solution. It will probably be the day after tomorrow before that thick downstairs carpet completely dries.

This morning I woke up and ran downstairs to take a whiff....smelled like vinegar and baking soda and wet dog down there. AAAGH! But it's still wet. There is still hope.

Last night when I finished I took the black light upstairs to see the damage on the carpet of our main living area. Not nearly as bad as downstairs, but still, not good. I was surprised at all the clever places a dog can pee. Now that it's dark I am off to repeat the process upstairs. Not looking forward to another all-nighter, but I am looking forward to no more wretched filthy dog pee smell.

Wish me luck.

While I Was Rinsing My Home Grown Lettuce

...and just after he took out the trash, cooked burgers on the grill, and cleaned up the mess he left in the living room:

Me: Now you can fill the dishwasher.

BigBear: WHY!?

Me: Because your attitude stinks. When you can learn to do a simple chore with a good attitude, maybe I won't give you more chores to do.

BigBear: What are you talking about!? What am I doing!?

Me: You are being argumentative.

BigBear: No I'm NOT! (...here he pauses, possibly to take in the stupid thing he just said...and then:) Your attitude is much worse than mine!

Nightmares are made of Fear

My worst nightmare came true. After BigBear's first sale, he called or texted several times each day with fears and doubts. It started as...

• Oh, it's so hot here. And the hours are so long.
• I don't have any money, and I don't know why they haven't paid me.

Week two he got his second sale, and it escalated to:

• Oh, crap, I just knocked on an off duty police officer's door. My manager forgot to give me my permit today so this guy is calling the police. Oh crap! The police are here...
• I really hate this Mom. 

And finally, 

• I want to come home. I can't do this anymore. 

That was 3 weeks ago. A week ago today I picked him up at the airport. With the cost of his flights and food, he didn't even break even. It was a harsh job, working 8 hours a day, going door to door, and getting them slammed in his face. I was surprised that he chose it. It's not something I would have dreamed of doing. Ever. But BigBear is different. He's not afraid of people. He's not afraid of adventure. He chose this job, so I didn't doubt he could do it. 

I was his confidant and friend while he was gone. So full of I love you's and I miss you's and thanks for adding money to my debit card momma. But now that he's home, and because I have set boundaries, I am at the top of his Hate List. I guess that's just where I have to be for a while, although it's hurtful. Being a "White" personality, (See http://www.colorcode.com/ ) and having a Red/Yellow son, is really REALLY difficult. I hate setting boundaries/rules/consequenses...mostly because I know I have to follow through if I want to be a successful parent. All my other children pretty much were able to follow the rules and do what was asked of them. But BigBear, not so much.

BigBear wants to do things his own way in his own time. So if I ask tell him to pick up his clothes, it won't get done unless there is a time limit and a consequence attached. 

Here are some of the boundaries I have set up since he came home: 

• No computer until you have a job.
• Clean up your own dishes. (No consequence attached.)
• Be five minutes early to church and don't leave early. Consequence: I take your iPod for a week. 
• No more staying up all night. (No consequence attached.)

So I guess I am in trouble for being weak and not having thought of consequences for the two. But I really felt proud of myself for attaching the ones I did do. Although it took me a couple of hours to rehearse in my mind how I would present them, and then a couple more hours to gussy up enough courage to lay down the law. 

Pathetic, right?

What do I get in return?  He is punishing me with distance, grunting for answers, and sassy attitude responses when I ask him anything. Yay me. 

I KNOW MOM! You have told me that I can't leave church early a MILLION times already. 

Well, BigBear, if I don't tell you what will happen if you leave early, you will claim that I never told you the consequences when it does happen. 

Well if you'd just lower your standards! You make things so difficult!

My standards are not all that high, Sweetheart. 

This is when it's hard not to lose who I am. This is when it's hard to pick my battles. This is when it's hard to walk away, and button my lips. All because he can. not. know. that I have a raging fire in my head when he speaks to me that way, and its all I can do to not to verbally attack him and take every toy and privilege away from him. He can not know because I will not allow him to know his attitude crushes my heart, and because I am strong and because I am the one in control. 

And I want to Holy Spirit in my life. I need divine instruction, and if I lose my temper, I lose the guidance of the Spirit. 

So I walk away, and act as if I have the entire universe in the palm of my hand.  

I have have been praying for BigBear in my every prayer, and today I fasted for him, too, asking that doors would open for him to find employment, and that his heart to soften toward me. I don't know how else to help him. But I know that Heavenly Father can, and will if it's His desire. Because God loves him so much more than I can imagine...so much more than I do. And I love him more than my own life. So the hardest part is letting go of the fear, doing my very best as a parent, and trusting in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

Ugh. Somebody remind me tomorrow that Jacob's clothes are still not picked up. 

Big Bear is doing just fine in Pittsburgh. Even had his first sale last Friday! I am simply amazed at him.

Yesterday JaZzy said " I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Big Bear." I never thought I'd hear him say that either. How funny!

Here's some pictures we took just before BigBear left last Tuesday afternoon:

 Guess that eyebrow looks sort of salesman-ique. That's his buddy, T, who got him interested. T said his mom cried, too, when she said goodbye.

 T's sister just got this new car and wanted to drive the boys to the airport, 3 hours away.

 I couldn't stop taking pictures.

I Already Know, You Don't Have to Say It.

I always dreamed of the day when my children wouldn't be so needy. When they were in diapers, I couldn't wait for them to potty train. I have always LOVED when my kids were in school, and nearly cried with panic thinking of them all being home at the same time All. Summer. Long. ...etc, etc...you get the picture. I didn't think I'd feel the way I do now.

My J'Dizzle doesn't call me every day anymore. KC says it's just because she is all grown up. *me whining*: "But she used to call me every daaaayyyy..." However, she is very happy and doing quite well for herself. She has a job in Manhattan at an upperscale organic restaurant, waitressing.  She's doing fine. She's safe. She's Happy. (These are the things I remind myself daily.)

JaZzy just became certified as a life guard, and has a job as soon as the community pool is finished being built. Then what? A church mission? The University? He has not quite decided, and I have not pushed. When he is ready, he'll do something productive.

Big Bear is leaving me and breaking my heart, too. Although I feel equally as much guilt because it is going to drastically change the dynamics here at home to one of extreme peace and quiet....*..seeing a little vision...*

-Ah...back now- Big Bear, at the tender age of 17 has been approved to sell security systems for Vivint, in PENNSYLVANIA. Which is clear on the other side of the continent, if you didn't know. He will be dropped off in a neighborhood and expected to go door to door, By. Him. Self. Gaaaaahhhhhhhh. He WANTED to do this. He hooked himself up with Vivent, with no help from me. He will be gone for 10 weeks, aka, All Summer, unless he hates it, in which case he can come home any time, but he will be so much further in debt to KC and me for the airplane fare if he decides its not for him and quits. And that is my Biggest Fear. He's doing this mainly because he has heard that he can make a lot of money in a short amount of time with Vivint, and he needs to get his restitution and county fees paid off in order to get off probation.
I REALLY think he is made for selling stuff, and I believe he will do very well if he pushes himself. But that right there is the source of my Biggest Fear, his lack of self motivation. I can only hope that his lack of motivation (keeping his room clean, picking up his dirty dishes, doing anything I want him to do, etc.) is based on being the youngest child of a control freak mom, and that he will be a completely different person in the real world. KC says this is the best thing for him, and that he feels Big Bear will thrive away from home. That gives me hope. I know KC is right.

I already know I am a control freak when it comes to my kids.
I know.
I know.
I know.
So I am trying to gracefully let go. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The Golden Child

Every family has one.

So I said, "No, he's not the Golden Child. You are both Golden to me!" Okay, I yelled it. And it sounded as dumb as it was.

JaZzy had had enough of BigBear's insults, toward me, and toward him. So he got in BigBear's face (figuratively) and told him in so many words that the difference between the two of them was that he (JaZzy) tries to be obedient and do what I ask.

I wanted to intervene, like.. stop a bomb that's already been detinated....like...I had this fire almost put out and then: JaZzy, who had been a spectator, became a player...and spoke a truth.

What do I do with that?

"See? The Golden Child!"

It didn't end pretty.