Big Bear is doing just fine in Pittsburgh. Even had his first sale last Friday! I am simply amazed at him.

Yesterday JaZzy said " I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Big Bear." I never thought I'd hear him say that either. How funny!

Here's some pictures we took just before BigBear left last Tuesday afternoon:

 Guess that eyebrow looks sort of salesman-ique. That's his buddy, T, who got him interested. T said his mom cried, too, when she said goodbye.

 T's sister just got this new car and wanted to drive the boys to the airport, 3 hours away.

 I couldn't stop taking pictures.

I Already Know, You Don't Have to Say It.

I always dreamed of the day when my children wouldn't be so needy. When they were in diapers, I couldn't wait for them to potty train. I have always LOVED when my kids were in school, and nearly cried with panic thinking of them all being home at the same time All. Summer. Long. ...etc, etc...you get the picture. I didn't think I'd feel the way I do now.

My J'Dizzle doesn't call me every day anymore. KC says it's just because she is all grown up. *me whining*: "But she used to call me every daaaayyyy..." However, she is very happy and doing quite well for herself. She has a job in Manhattan at an upperscale organic restaurant, waitressing.  She's doing fine. She's safe. She's Happy. (These are the things I remind myself daily.)

JaZzy just became certified as a life guard, and has a job as soon as the community pool is finished being built. Then what? A church mission? The University? He has not quite decided, and I have not pushed. When he is ready, he'll do something productive.

Big Bear is leaving me and breaking my heart, too. Although I feel equally as much guilt because it is going to drastically change the dynamics here at home to one of extreme peace and quiet....*..seeing a little vision...*

-Ah...back now- Big Bear, at the tender age of 17 has been approved to sell security systems for Vivint, in PENNSYLVANIA. Which is clear on the other side of the continent, if you didn't know. He will be dropped off in a neighborhood and expected to go door to door, By. Him. Self. Gaaaaahhhhhhhh. He WANTED to do this. He hooked himself up with Vivent, with no help from me. He will be gone for 10 weeks, aka, All Summer, unless he hates it, in which case he can come home any time, but he will be so much further in debt to KC and me for the airplane fare if he decides its not for him and quits. And that is my Biggest Fear. He's doing this mainly because he has heard that he can make a lot of money in a short amount of time with Vivint, and he needs to get his restitution and county fees paid off in order to get off probation.
I REALLY think he is made for selling stuff, and I believe he will do very well if he pushes himself. But that right there is the source of my Biggest Fear, his lack of self motivation. I can only hope that his lack of motivation (keeping his room clean, picking up his dirty dishes, doing anything I want him to do, etc.) is based on being the youngest child of a control freak mom, and that he will be a completely different person in the real world. KC says this is the best thing for him, and that he feels Big Bear will thrive away from home. That gives me hope. I know KC is right.

I already know I am a control freak when it comes to my kids.
I know.
I know.
I know.
So I am trying to gracefully let go. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The Golden Child

Every family has one.

So I said, "No, he's not the Golden Child. You are both Golden to me!" Okay, I yelled it. And it sounded as dumb as it was.

JaZzy had had enough of BigBear's insults, toward me, and toward him. So he got in BigBear's face (figuratively) and told him in so many words that the difference between the two of them was that he (JaZzy) tries to be obedient and do what I ask.

I wanted to intervene, like.. stop a bomb that's already been detinated....like...I had this fire almost put out and then: JaZzy, who had been a spectator, became a player...and spoke a truth.

What do I do with that?

"See? The Golden Child!"

It didn't end pretty.

She is Number 12

I forgot to mention that Chi-Chi is preggers again. It's a girl! My 12th grandchild.

 FairyPrincess and BabySmurf announcing that its a girl!

Keeping Clam and Carrying on. But not being very good at it.

My daughter, J'Dizzle, is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.

If I had known that she was going to grow up to be so wonderful, and such a close friend to me, I might have been such a better mother. I would have held her so much more. I would have paid more attention to her. I would never have spanked her. If only I had known her as an adult first, and then as a newborn.

Sometimes now, I go to her room and cuddle with her on her bed. We talk and laugh...and it never lasts long enough. I love taking the time to paint her nails. This week, especially, I want to soak up every moment that she is willing to give me. On Sunday she is leaving me forever. I can hardly bear it. I don't want her to go.

No, this is not an eulogy. So I won't make it one. Its just that other times, when she went away, I knew she would always come back. This time I know she never will. My heart is breaking.

It would be easier, I think, if she were leaving me to get married. Then she's have someone committed to her well being. It would also be easier if she were moving across town, or even to the other side of the state. But she's not. She's got a one way ticket to New York City.

Yes, she has friends there, she's planning to move in with them. I have met them on Skype, and they seem like wonderful girls.

Her boyfriend, Enrico, will be there. I know he will take care of her, because he's not really a boy, he's a man. He's established. He's responsible.

J'Dizzle and Enrico, December, 2010

Enrico is and artist from Argentina who lives in NYC most of the year, and sells his paintings there on the street as well as in galleries. They sell for hundreds and even thousands, not only in NYC, but also in Europe and South America. This is one of my favorites:

She will be just fine, I know. She graduates this Friday with an Associated degree. She already has a job as a weekend hostess for a high end restaurant. She is going to apply at a school there in the city, at the John Jay College of Criminology. I am SO proud of her. She is not afraid of life, and she goes for what she wants. She is brave and strong and courageous. And very smart!

I think she will be with Enrico for a very long time, and I'll be surprised if they don't get married and have a cute little family.

Enrico, March 2011

She told me yesterday that she suggested to Enrico last year that they go to Atlantic City for a day of fun. He told her no, and that he knew that she would not be able to control herself there, with the gambling. LOL. yes, he knows my J'Dizzle well.

Enrico is a good man. At first I was very concerned, as any mother would be, when she met him on the streets of Manhattan, was invited to his barbeque that night. I later found out that he is 17 years older then she is. He's only 5 years younger than me. Yes, I was shocked at first. I'll admit it. But I never let JD know it. I was more concerned by their chance meeting, like if he was some freak or pervert. All I could do was remember that JD is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. I had to trust, and even more, I had to let her know that I trusted in her decisions.

I prayed an awful lot, too. I was given assurance, without a doubt, that Enrico is a good man. I am listening to God. But my heart still hurts so much. I am not ready to let her go.

The worst part of it all is that JD gets angry when I show any emotion over her leaving. She told me yesterday that it makes her feel bad when I start to get teary eyed over  it. She doesn't want to cause me pain. I know that. I told her she needed to let me grieve. She didn't think so. I reassured her that I am so happy for her to be going and living her dream. I really am! I wouldn't really want it any other way. I told her how pleased I am with her choices and accomplishments. I really am. As a result of that conversation I am being strong, smiling a lot, and trying to be helpful, not overbearing. I made her a sandwich for lunch. Did a load of her laundry. I'd do that every day if she's promise to stay. I am so pathetic!

J'Dizzle, modeling, 2009.

So she's leaving me forever.  I thought it would be different. I know she can't live in my basement forever, get married there, have children there....

J'Dizzle modeling for innov8, March 2011

...I am just going to miss her so darn much, and it is never going to be the same.

My Lenroot Canal

Why do they call it a root canal? What does that even mean? Are they trying to invoke terror?

Better yet, something that cracks me up every Spring...we get a bill in the mail from the Lenroot Canal Company.

Seriously! Seriously...and I laugh and laugh! I do. Who names their canal company anything with "root" in the title? Someone with a passive aggressive funny bone, that's for sure. KC disagrees. Every year he explains again to me that Lenroot is the last name of the founder of the canal...or something. I don't ever really pay attention to the details of his explanation because I am ROFL. KC doesn't get me, and why I laugh. But that's okay. Being polar opposites is so good for us.

Root canals. I can't explain it, but I completely FREAK OUT when I get major dental work done. I didn't used to be this way. When I was 14 years old I had all four wisdom teeth extracted with Nitrous Oxide and shots. There was a lot of tugging and pressure, but I don't remember feeling terror. At all.

About three years ago I had a root canal or a filling, (I don't remember). All I do remember was going into shock....PAIN and shaking, tears streaming down my face, extreme fear, and I was so cold! What a disaster...and embarrassment! It was awful. From that point forward I needed shots and N/O to even have my new crown fit and ground to the proper bite. For anything major, I get sedation. I have to be driven to the dentist's office because of the sedatives I take at home before. The doc sends me to the pharmacy to get one Valium to take the night before, and two Triazolam an hour before my appointment. After getting comfy in the dental chair they give me more stuff....some nasty powder under my tounge, and I am out in a matter of minutes. Afterwards they wheel me out, through the waiting area, in a wheelchair, to my car. I can only imagine how I must look to the other patients in waiting...dazed, mask imprints on my face, slobbering...again...totally embarrassing. Humbling. It's a good thing I have absolutely no wits about me and won't ever remember it.

Laughter and root canals. And Valium. I had to have a root canal last week. I took the Valium the night before. Had a great snooze, but woke up feeling fine....just fine. So convinced was I that I was fine, that I got up at my usual time, (5:45 AM) and made breakfast for my family. I was a little slow to get going...and ended waking my family up for bible study/breakfast later than usual, about 6:15. But I didn't care. No worries! ManChild had a class early, and had to go shower, so he couldn't make it. J'Dizzle wanted to come up, but said she had something to study for. I just smiled big and wisked my way up the stairs, to BigBear's room. He wouldn't wake up, either. But it was all OK. I sat down with KC and JaZzy at the breakfast table and said that we should start, as the others wouldn't be joining us. KC prayed, and then ask me to read from the Bible first.We were at Ephesians, chapter 3. So, in my normal voice, in my normal attitude of reading....I began:

1For this cause I Paul, the prisoner of Jesus Christ for you Gentiles,

 2If ye have heard of the dispensation of the grace of God which is given me to you-ward:...

...and here...I began laughing uncontrollably....repeating the word..."you-ward!"...over and over, between snorts and giggles and belly laughs! Then tears....more snorts, I was falling off my chair! I was doubled over! JaZzy and of course KC were both aware of the pill I had taken the night before...and JaZzy was thoroughly enjoying the show! When he laughed at me it drove me to fits of insane laughter! And on and on we went....

KC, on the other hand....first looked at me as though I had seven heads. He didn't laugh! How could he not laugh? I laid my head on his chest and said..."This is so funny! I'm so sorry, but it's so funny and I can't help it!"

He grinned somewhat, patted me on the head and said, "I know. Why don't you go back to bed and lie down for a little longer?"

I said okay. Fits of laughter waved through me and I wobbled down the hallway to the bedroom and flopped on my bed. I think I must have looked much like a crazy woman from an old black and white psycho movie, who is about to be tried as a witch. I fell into my down comforter and continued giggling loudly, sometimes snorting. I closed my eyes, and quickly fell into a new peaceful sleep.

The best part, even though I was totally out of myself, was that it was SO much fun. My sweetheart hubbs and my 18 year old son have seen me absolutely as a crazy woman and I didn't care and I. loved. it! It almost seems like a dream now...and I still grin thinking about it!

Well, I have recovered. After J'Dizzle drove me to and from the dentist, I slept the rest of the day, all night, and half of the next day.

Another funny thing, when J'Dizzle brought me home, she told me (with much contempt in her voice) that BigBear had left school early because of a headache, and was home playing on the computer. When I appeaered in the doorway, I said hello to him and went directly to bed. It just didn't matter to me. And funny enough...it still doesn't. I have not called the school to excuse him, and probably wont, heehee!

Now I love the dentist.

Self Help?

I was invited by my very good friend, Brenda, to attend a class that she is teaching on pain management. Ever since I told her that I have trigeminal neuralgia, she has been encouraging me to attend. It's a 6 week long class, once a week on Thursday mornings at 10:00 AM.

I told her I was not entirely comfortable going. She insisted I would even be a great teacher for the class. Flattering, but I knew better. I gave her every argument I could think of, even that I am not actually in that much pain right now. Denial? Certainly. She went on to tell me that its not just physical pain that is dealt with, but all kinds of emotional pain, too. I suppose what won me over was that she said if she gets so many people to attend 4 of the six classes each session, she qualifies for federal grant money to teach the class. So I said I would go.

I was also so impressed at how Brenda takes her material to the women's county jail and teaches the sessions. She told me stories of these women, and it brought me to tears. I told her I didn't think I could teach it. I'm much too emotional. So she said, "No, really, you would be a great teacher. Just come to a session and see."

I couldn't make it to last Thursday's class because I was out of town. So I went this morning.

RED FLAG #1:
Brenda was not there. Two elderly women were team teaching the class.

RED FLAG #2:
"Class, now we are going to do what is called 'brain storming'! Let me explain what this is. I present an idea and write it on the chalkboard, and all of you just shout out your ideas about what you think it means! ok, ready?..."


RED FLAG #3: "Pick a partner, someone you don't know. Tell this partner what causes you to feel anxiety in your life and why. After 4 minutes, switch, and you listen to what causes your partner anexiety for 4 minutes. Afterwards everyone will share with the class what their partner's anxieties are. We will list them all on the chalkboard and then 'brainstorm' together for ideas of how to cope!"

Nooooo.....! Not feelings. I didn't know they would want me to talk about my feeeeelings. 

I quickly told my partner that not knowing when trigeminal neuralgia may strike me causes me to feel out of control, and I don't like feeling out of control. That was pretty much a cut and dried general answer, no need to go into details about my life.

One gentleman shared how his partner (in this exercise) had expressed his frustration over being bi-polar, how he hates himself and wants to commit suicide. The man with PB disorder sat straight faced, eyes glazed. The teacher asked with a tremor in her voice how to list that on the chalkboard. You could have heard a pin drop. The man with BP disorder said something, I don't remember what. I was in shock.

Side note: Twenty minutes before going to class this morning, I found out one of my best friend's fathers shot himself last night. Reality slapped me upside the head.

Break time with snack food and water. Hour 3 begins. (Didn't Brenda say it was to last two hours? )

RED FLAG #4: We were to open the manual and see illustrations of stretching exercises, as we talked about the various illustrations.

RED FLAG #5: I'll admit I was bored. I flipped through the manual. Chapter 12 was on how to cope sexually...positions, touching...TMI! At least there were no illustrations.

Back to RED FLAG #4: the stretching exercise illustrations. "First we have the neck stretching illustration. Tilt your head to the left..."

AND I couldn't take it anymore.

This class was not for me. I know it must be a wonderful tool for those in need of support and emotional and physical pain relief, but I am not in need of either. Maybe I am in denial, or I maybe I am crazy, but grant money or no grant money, I could not stay another moment.

I quietly excused myself and got as far as my car in the parking lot, when one of the teachers came running out after me. (Rats!). "Remember, next Thursday's class will be at the other building..."

"Okay! Thanks!"

"...don't you want your manual?"

"Uh, no, no, you keep it. I am not sure this class is for me, but thanks!"

Oh, I feel awful. But I feel better knowing I don't have to go back and share my feelings about things and discuss my sex life. I don't know what to say to Brenda. I suppose the truth is the best idea.