My Crown Fell Off

Talked for a long time with J'Dizzle, sitting in my naughty chair (the driver's seat in my car) at the vacuums at the carwash. She always seems to know when to call. She understands me and lets me rant, and agrees with me, even if we are both wrong.

My daughter, J'Dizzle.
We talked about this new picture of her, and how Enrico snapped it of her when she was angry with him. We both laughed, and I told her that if someone took a picture of me right now, "angry" might be a good look for me too! 

Sometimes my daughter feels like a mother, caressing my anxiety and telling me I am ok. She is such a gift.

*sniffle*

I had to go back into town to the car wash, because,

I took the country dirt back road, up on top of the bench,

(Which is where I passed a lone runner. Why haven't I ever thought of running flailing up there?)

past the harvested potato fields and old potato cellars (I remember working in those very cellars.)

I had a talk with my Heavenly Father there, as I drove 20 mph, watching the setting sun. I told him everything, because I can't lie to Him. He knows. And although I was very very selfish and bad, I asked him for a blessing. Help me undo what I have done. Undeserving, and not quite sorry yet, me.

When I reached pavement my prayer was said, and my car was smothered in dust. I didn't want any questions about why I took the back roads. BB takes them often, and it drives KC crazy.

That's why when I was one ne mile from home, I headed back, on paved roads this time, into town, to the car wash.

But first, I had to pee from the huge diet Dr. Pepper I had just consumed, and I was hungry. So I drove into the McDonald's next to the car wash. Pit stop then refueled my tummy.

Next was the car wash. Dirt gone, and I was about to use the free vacuums, when J'Dizzle called. Perfect way to end my I-Would-Like-Some-Part-of-My-Home-to-Be-Mine-rage. She somehow knew to call, and all she wanted to do was talk about me.

At home, I said my painful sorry's. I was selfish, but not entirely wrong.

KC had cleaned the kitchen and dining room, and finished the laundry while I was gone. The house smells of bleach. I told him I felt bad that he did it all, knowing it was only because he knew I was angry. He denied that.

HAHAHA! Men. Bless his heart.  


I told him what was eating me and it sounded so ridiculous as the words spilled out. Foolishness. Childish.
"I hate it when I am this way!" He held me and let me cry in his chest. He gave me his hankee to wipe what used to be on my eyelashes off my face.

KC with the pumpkin he carved, at my birthday party last week. He bought me flowers,  planned the party with games, gifts, made dinner and a cake. Did all the dishes too. He does this every birthday for me. And Mother's Day. 

Sheesh. I can't win. I am a silly, silly girl.

If I were him, I would not put up with me for more than a minute, yet he does. I just can't figure him out. I am indeed, very blessed.

Getting Back to Kansas

***Forget about that stupid ticker.***

From the Wizard of OZ:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

Dorothy realizes that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. She relinquishes the miracle-working power of the Wizard - he has floated away - and relies upon her own power and personality to find her independent identity and way home.

Dorothy: Well, I-I think that it, that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda: That's all it is!
Scarecrow: But that's so easy! I should've thought of it for you -
Tin Man: I should have felt it in my heart -
Glinda: No, she had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too.
Dorothy: Now?
Glinda: Whenever you wish.

Dorothy exclaims: "Oh dear, that's too wonderful to be true."

I quit my job today, (although my last day is not until Thursday). KC asked, "Why? Is something the matter?" in a text message to my phone. I replied, " I just hate it. I HATE it." And I do. It's the worst job EVER for me. 

Epiphanies today while on the phones at work:

• All these years I could have said to KC, "I am going to always have a little cash in my purse." I could have gone to the bank and gotten $20 and put it in the secret zipper of my purse. I could have just told KC, or not, and just done it.
• I could have told KC that we need to support BigBear by paying for his football gas money. It would not have been comfortable to discuss, but KC would have supported me.
• I can not, I will not, waste my time in college (starting next year) following a career path toward anything that does not bring me joy. Seriously, I was thinking of a major chosen by my brain and not my heart. If for no other reason, this experience, working at a job I hate, has freed me from this kind of practical, uncreative thinking. 
• I HATE sitting in a tiny cubicle (with icky egg carton foam 'sound insulator' that gather's tortilla chip and cookie crumbs from the last 37 people who occupied it...ew) trying to get people,  (CEO's of huge corporations who don't think of me a human being), to let me interview them for 20 minutes about things I care nothing about. *click*
• If KC were to suddenly pass away, and I needed a job, of course I would be very grateful to have a job at all. I would even consider going back to this job. I recognize that there are many people who would gladly take this job. However, I would certainly be constantly, passionately, looking for something else, because this job is awful, for me.
• I need to help people, not irritate them. 
• Nothing about working here is worth the time it takes away from my family, my health, and my happiness. I had to find this out for myself, or I would have never believed it. 
• I have the power to change things. I have always had the power to change things.

Give me those magic ruby slippers.