Just Sayin'

Jessica Biel, sometime last Saturday, after leaving the store where J'Dizzle works, wearing the necklace given to her, and sometime before Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went back to the store together.

J'Dizzle is wanting to be discreet, and has asked me to be, also. Mostly because the jeweler she works for is linked to her personal Facebook page. And because I have Liked the store's page. She has forbid me  to gloat about it to all my friends on Facebook.

But here....well...

...bragging!:

J'Dizzle was working in the store front with the owner, we'll call him Liam, when Jessica Biel came in with a girlfriend. Liam, such a nice guy, was showing Jessica some of the Jewelry, then told her how he would love for J'Dizzle to explain to Jessica the properties of one of the rarer stones. (What a thoughtful, unselfish gesture. I already liked Liam based on the things that J'Dizzle had told me, but this display of generosity scored big with me. Not that it matters...)

Anyway, Jessica and J'Dizzle had a lovely conversation about jewels and gemstones. Jessica bought something, a ring, I think, and Liam gave her the necklace she is wearing in the photo above. As Jessica left, she said "So you are J'Dizzle, right?" J'Dizzle said that was correct, then Jessica said, as she took J'Dizzle's hand, "I'm Jessie." 

Later on...just as J'Dizzle was locking the door to close for the evening, and reflecting -to herself- on her star-struck day...

"Wow, if only Jessica had come in the store with my teenage idol, Justing Timberlake...{sigh}"

...she saw Jessica's pretty face outside of the store again! Then like a magnet her eyes met those of the her adolescent heart throb, Justin Timberlake! She unlocked the door and invited them in, and then quickly re-locked the store. (How many people can say that they have locked themselves in a room with TWO celebrities?) The couple stayed for about 20 minutes, and JT bought a ring. 

J'Dizzle called me after leaving the store for the night, very excited. She said, "Ooooh mom! Justin is SOooo Hhhh-hh-hot! And Jessica is SOooo beautiful, so naturally perfect!"

Yes, I believe they are. But I just can't help point out that although Jessica Biel is extremely lovely, J'Dizzle is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. 

J'Dizzle

Jessica

Maybe that's a mom thing. Maybe I am biased. I am just thinking it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for JT and JB to have met my amazing daughter. 

J'Dizzle on the Rocks

Jessica on the Rocks

Jessica and J'Dizzle

Super Hero Jessica

Super Hero J'Dizzle

One more of her beautiful smile. 

Just sayin'.

The Crossing of the Fingers

BB graduates from high school in 20 days. *crossing my fingers*

For his grad announcement. His picks:

He will, I know he will. BB decided to do mostly all online classes for the last trimester of his Senior year, but he has not taken the work seriously. Yesterday his online teacher called me to say he had until the 12th to raise his English grade to "passing", or he would not graduate. 

"Thank you," says me. "I'll pass that information along." 

The hardest part is letting BB decide for himself if he passes or fails, graduates or not. 

The past 6 months have been especially difficult with BB. When I banned the XBox last in our home last November-ish he took it as a personal assault and completely cut me off. He officially did not need me; I was dead to him. It was a new Cold War where battles were fought with dirty looks and silent treatments. Many times I lost my swagger out of frustration and said things I regret. Always I apologized and tried to bring him back, but the damage was done and his resentment deepened. Most days I put on my happy face, hug him (one way affection) or at least I make it a point to put my arm around him or give a love pat in passing. I consciously say hello and goodbye and "How was your day." I often just start talking to him about random things while he sits at the computer in the kitchen. Sometimes I get a hint of acknowledgment, sometimes I realize he has his earbuds in. 

Grad announcement. 

The other day, however, after I did something nice for him...I don't know...I think I put his laundry in the dryer or something...he said goodbye to me before leaving for school. I am not sure he meant to say it. It may have been a slip. 

I cried buckets over it after he left. Imagine me crying because he said "Bye." 

Another bright spot was that on a "good" day this week, he let me take his senior pictures. I realize the motivation for him was that getting the photos done meant I would produce his graduation announcements, and that grandparents would be sending him gift money. He was not warm and fuzzy by any means, of course, but the fact that he was with me, and we were together, and we were doing something together, was a huge boon for me!  However, I realize that this is not a permanent change in him...to do stuff with me, to acknowledge me, to give me such liberty with his time. But I'll take any small ray of hope at this point and treasure it in the moment. 

  

Grad announcement. 

BB finally got a job at McDonald's about a month ago (and the angels sang). I think he secretly likes it, but all I get is a grunt/shrug whenever I ask. Most of his income goes to pay off his debts - as per the demands of his probation officer. If he works hard and gets most of it paid by July it looks like he will get to be released. Yay! *crossing fingers on my other hand*

Grad announcement.

And, he has an $8,000 debate scholarship to the College of Our State - pending his high school graduation. I am so thrilled and proud of him for getting that scholarship! I don't know how he plans to pay for the other $22,000 per semester he will need, and thinking about it makes me so nervous. 

I liked this one but he didn't choose it for the announcements. Here I said "smile!" Miracle of miracles. 

He has 2 years of free tuition here at our hometown university (religious), because KC teaches there, but BB refuses to consider it, out of contempt for me, for KC, and our religious beliefs. Did I mention before that BB stopped attending church meetings about 9 months ago? Yes, it hurts, but it's fine. I don't see any point in forcing my beliefs on him. I have lovingly taught him Christian values and specifically LDS doctrine from the day he was born. Now it's up to him to choose what he will. Every morning I invite him to come to family prayer and scripture study, and once in a while he does. He still participates in our 12 minute family home evenings, even if it's just KC and BB and me. He'll even pray, if asked. Treasured moments.

I am out of fingers. Maybe I could wish upon a star. I have had many, many conversations with God on BB's behalf, as He knows him better than I do. 

I also added this one to his grad announcement. 

I wish you could see his genuine smile here.  This pup was crying the whole time we were there. BB LOVES animals, especially dogs, so his natural beautiful smile came through for this little dog. When he turned back around to face me it gone. 

I was saying "Smile!" again...but he couldn't hear me....so I shouted "Smile! With teeth!".....

Oh, yeah....that looks natural. Never-mind. 

My Crown Fell Off

Talked for a long time with J'Dizzle, sitting in my naughty chair (the driver's seat in my car) at the vacuums at the carwash. She always seems to know when to call. She understands me and lets me rant, and agrees with me, even if we are both wrong.

My daughter, J'Dizzle.
We talked about this new picture of her, and how Enrico snapped it of her when she was angry with him. We both laughed, and I told her that if someone took a picture of me right now, "angry" might be a good look for me too! 

Sometimes my daughter feels like a mother, caressing my anxiety and telling me I am ok. She is such a gift.

*sniffle*

I had to go back into town to the car wash, because,

I took the country dirt back road, up on top of the bench,

(Which is where I passed a lone runner. Why haven't I ever thought of running flailing up there?)

past the harvested potato fields and old potato cellars (I remember working in those very cellars.)

I had a talk with my Heavenly Father there, as I drove 20 mph, watching the setting sun. I told him everything, because I can't lie to Him. He knows. And although I was very very selfish and bad, I asked him for a blessing. Help me undo what I have done. Undeserving, and not quite sorry yet, me.

When I reached pavement my prayer was said, and my car was smothered in dust. I didn't want any questions about why I took the back roads. BB takes them often, and it drives KC crazy.

That's why when I was one ne mile from home, I headed back, on paved roads this time, into town, to the car wash.

But first, I had to pee from the huge diet Dr. Pepper I had just consumed, and I was hungry. So I drove into the McDonald's next to the car wash. Pit stop then refueled my tummy.

Next was the car wash. Dirt gone, and I was about to use the free vacuums, when J'Dizzle called. Perfect way to end my I-Would-Like-Some-Part-of-My-Home-to-Be-Mine-rage. She somehow knew to call, and all she wanted to do was talk about me.

At home, I said my painful sorry's. I was selfish, but not entirely wrong.

KC had cleaned the kitchen and dining room, and finished the laundry while I was gone. The house smells of bleach. I told him I felt bad that he did it all, knowing it was only because he knew I was angry. He denied that.

HAHAHA! Men. Bless his heart.  


I told him what was eating me and it sounded so ridiculous as the words spilled out. Foolishness. Childish.
"I hate it when I am this way!" He held me and let me cry in his chest. He gave me his hankee to wipe what used to be on my eyelashes off my face.

KC with the pumpkin he carved, at my birthday party last week. He bought me flowers,  planned the party with games, gifts, made dinner and a cake. Did all the dishes too. He does this every birthday for me. And Mother's Day. 

Sheesh. I can't win. I am a silly, silly girl.

If I were him, I would not put up with me for more than a minute, yet he does. I just can't figure him out. I am indeed, very blessed.

Getting Back to Kansas

***Forget about that stupid ticker.***

From the Wizard of OZ:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

Dorothy realizes that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. She relinquishes the miracle-working power of the Wizard - he has floated away - and relies upon her own power and personality to find her independent identity and way home.

Dorothy: Well, I-I think that it, that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda: That's all it is!
Scarecrow: But that's so easy! I should've thought of it for you -
Tin Man: I should have felt it in my heart -
Glinda: No, she had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too.
Dorothy: Now?
Glinda: Whenever you wish.

Dorothy exclaims: "Oh dear, that's too wonderful to be true."

I quit my job today, (although my last day is not until Thursday). KC asked, "Why? Is something the matter?" in a text message to my phone. I replied, " I just hate it. I HATE it." And I do. It's the worst job EVER for me. 

Epiphanies today while on the phones at work:

• All these years I could have said to KC, "I am going to always have a little cash in my purse." I could have gone to the bank and gotten $20 and put it in the secret zipper of my purse. I could have just told KC, or not, and just done it.
• I could have told KC that we need to support BigBear by paying for his football gas money. It would not have been comfortable to discuss, but KC would have supported me.
• I can not, I will not, waste my time in college (starting next year) following a career path toward anything that does not bring me joy. Seriously, I was thinking of a major chosen by my brain and not my heart. If for no other reason, this experience, working at a job I hate, has freed me from this kind of practical, uncreative thinking. 
• I HATE sitting in a tiny cubicle (with icky egg carton foam 'sound insulator' that gather's tortilla chip and cookie crumbs from the last 37 people who occupied it...ew) trying to get people,  (CEO's of huge corporations who don't think of me a human being), to let me interview them for 20 minutes about things I care nothing about. *click*
• If KC were to suddenly pass away, and I needed a job, of course I would be very grateful to have a job at all. I would even consider going back to this job. I recognize that there are many people who would gladly take this job. However, I would certainly be constantly, passionately, looking for something else, because this job is awful, for me.
• I need to help people, not irritate them. 
• Nothing about working here is worth the time it takes away from my family, my health, and my happiness. I had to find this out for myself, or I would have never believed it. 
• I have the power to change things. I have always had the power to change things.

Give me those magic ruby slippers. 

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev'rywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living ev'ry day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Suddenly things are so different. 

ManChild is asking Fannie Farmer to marry him today. 

JD called me this morning and told me she can't imagine her life without AB in it. 

JZ started a new job today waiting tables in one of the nicer restaurants in the area. It's where JD used to work. 

BB took the ACT for the first time today and KC and I have been answering his college entrance questions.

I like seeing everyone progress and change, I admit it. But I often reflect back and wonder if I did enough. I suppose if I had known that life as a SAHM with 8 children was not actually going to last forever, I might have tried a little harder during the rougher times. 

Hmmmm.

I wonder what's next? 

It's My Job

After 13 years of being a SAHM, I am now working part time as a telephone survey/research person. I work about 20 hours per week. It's not that we need the extra income, it's just:


Reason I Decided to Get a Job:

• I wanted to show BigBear I support him in football. I told him I would pay for his gas money to and from football practices, and to and from football games. 

The REAL Reasons I Decided to Get a Job:

• I didn't feel like I could ask KC to pay for BigBear's football gas money. 
• I could not handle KC complaining about how BigBear should not be playing football because he is so in debt to us and to the county, and on top of that he has no job. And now he is racking up football gas money on top of it all. KC has been keeping careful track of BigBear's mileage and has been adding a fuel bill to his already enormous debt. 
• BigBear made a mistake, a serious mistake almost two years ago when he was 15, going on a vandalism spree with some equally stupid friends. He was tried, sentenced, served 2 weeks in county detention, and owes thousands dollars for restitution, probation, and his rent for county detention, all of which I refuse to pay one cent for.  But BigBear is not evil. He is not bad. He's just a dumb kid that made a bad choice. He has so much good in him, he has so many gifts and talents. He deserves a break. I am paying for his gas money for football, free and clear. 
• I felt trapped, as if my life was passing me by, and as a SAHM I was running constantly on everyone elses' schedules. Deciding to get a job was as much for me as it was for BigBear. 
• KC did not want me to get a job. He even offered to pay for BigBear's football gas money if I wouldn't look for a job. Of course, independent snot that I am, his saying this made me even more determined to get a job, because, you know, I felt trapped. Controlled. 
• Jobs are extremely scarce around here. Getting a job was proof to myself that I have still got it. Whatever "it"is. Brains? Looks? Personality? Hm. 

Reasons I Like My Job:

• The hours are extremely flexible. 
• I am very good at communication. I think. 
• I don't have to work every other Friday if I don't want to. 
• I have evenings, Saturdays and Sundays off. Always. 
• It's nice to be around young people. 
• The gym where I work out is only a few blocks away from where I work. 
• I have a place in society. 
• I can quit after 90 days (if I don't like it), for a good reference. Just need to give 2 weeks notice. Hmm. 

Reasons I Hate My Job:

• I hate it when telemarketers or sales people call me, so why on earth did I ever think I would be good at telephone surveys? I must be an idiot. 
• I hate imposing anything on anyone. I would hang up on me. 
• It's not what I really wanted. I don't know what I really wanted. Why was Beauty School my highest educational goal? 
• I am committed for 90 days...er...make that 87 now. 
• I think KC knew I would hate it.And now I have to pretend I love it, because I have this pride/spite thing going on. I hate that I always have to learn things the hard way. 
• BigBear probably will never fully appreciate what I am doing for him. 

It's going to be a long 87 days.

Vitapel. Yes, please.

http://madisonwomensclinic.com/vitapel.php

I had my second implant of HRT recently, an injectable pellet form of testosterone, for both men and women.  It lasts three months. Costs around $200 for the complete procedure.

Holy Cow.

It's no snake oil. It really works.

I feel....hmmm....let me just say:

I feel balanced. I feel like I did when I was 25 19 18.

I don't hate people for breathing my air anymore. I find it easy to be cheerful and positive all the time.

Unbelievable.